Question:
Shortly after accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I experienced Satan pulling me into depression and thoughts of suicide. On the other hand, it seems that for most every other believer I know, there was a smooth transition. Why would I be such a target for the devil so soon after salvation, especially since I posed no threat to the evil one?
Response:
It's hard for me to answer this
question specifically. The Bible doesn't have much specific to say about
this subject for obvious reasons (please see the link:
"Satan's World System").
You knew, no doubt from the Spirit, that making the decision to "go home
early" was not an option, and you hung in there in spite of the
pressure. This is not the first time I have had such a question posed
(see the links:
"Despairing of life" and
"Suicide, Good Works,
and Salvation"). Rather than being unique, my suspicion is that very
many Christians likewise come to the place at least at some point in
their lives when they have absolutely "had it" and so contemplate such
things. Paul did (2Cor.1:8). Job did (esp. Job 3). Jeremiah did
(Jer.15:10). Elijah did (1Ki.19:4). I suppose that puts all of us who
have every "had enough" into some pretty fine company. And I am not at
all certain that the realization that this life is meaningless and we
are better off dead is a completely terrible place to be - as long as
one comes to the next realization as well, namely, that we are here for
Jesus Christ. We serve at our Master's pleasure and we have our marching
orders to take up our cross and follow Him to whatever Calvary He has in
store for us, to fight and struggle and bleed and, if so be that the
will of God wills it, to lose everything for Him - possibly even our
lives. So the pressure and the despair and the external assault of which
you speak is not, I believe, an uncommon Christian experience. Indeed, I
would think that for those of us who are truly committed to Jesus and
the calling He has for us that it is a hard thing to avoid. For those
who are advancing are the ones on whom the devil picks. God allows this,
to a degree, for His own glory, for our growth, and to demonstrate to
all that some do choose to stay faithful to Him even in the midst of
uncommon pressure.
It is a phenomenon that I would imagine all experienced Christians know
to be true that just on the other side of despair and depression is joy
and exaltation - the moment we seek encouragement in the Lord and
remember that this is not about us but about Him, and that He has not
abandoned us but is with us even more presently in trouble than in
peace. The devil tries to get us to evaluate desperate circumstances by
what we see with our eyes, and that is precisely the time we are forced
to either give in to such a false perspective or instead begin to see
with our faith instead. In my experience and observation, the Lord
always helps us out with a "hint" or two if we are in danger of failing
such tests, like the way He encouraged Paul with the Galatians'
responsiveness (Gal.4:13-15), personally rebuked then blessed Job (Job
41-43), gave Elijah one-on-one instruction (1Ki.19:9-18), and led
Jeremiah to repentance (Jer.15:19-21).
So to my view, being hammered by the world and the ruler of this world
to the point where we despair of life is a natural thing for those of us
who have chosen to look at the world through the lens of truth and see
that there is nothing here worthwhile apart from God. When we experience
severe pressure on top of this correct mind-set, it is very easy for us,
perhaps the most natural thing, to want to be free of this world
entirely. It is at such times, when we are emotionally at our weakest,
that the strength and power of God takes over: it is only when we are
truly weak that we can fully experience God's strength (2Cor.12:7-10).
In the early going of the Christian life, He may need to give us more
"hints" on how to respond (e.g., through the intervention of fellow
Christians, to name but one possibility), but with the coming of
maturity, "battle experience" in this conflict in which we are engaged,
we learn to encourage ourselves in Him right from the start of such
assaults, remembering why we are here and whom we are here for. When we
do, the fact that this world is nothing apart from the role we play in
the Lord's plan is actually an incredible source of strength into which
we learn to tap. We have learned not to love the world but to hate it
and to hate our lives in it, for we have been crucified to it and it to
us. That is the point at which we begin to experience the joy of Him and
His truth to the full.
Unlike the rest of the world which is entirely engaged in pointless
vanity (cf. Eccl.2:20), we believers know of a certainty that everything
we do for Jesus Christ will live forever, that He is keeping our deposit
secure for us in heaven, and that the day of reunion with Him will come
soon enough, when and how He wills it. For all of us who have already
lost our lives and so gained them, for us, living is Jesus Christ, and
dying is gain. Therefore we have the courage and the grace and the
confidence to soldier on, even and especially when we are at our weakest
point, because we have learned to trust in Him.
Therefore let all those who are suffering according to the will of God
entrust their lives (while doing what is good) to a Creator who is
faithful. 1st Peter 4:19
And to get to the gist of your question after all this - speculatively
of course - perhaps the reason you experienced this so early in your
Christian life is that you were really serious about getting close to
and serving Jesus Christ - making you a true threat to the devil indeed,
but at the same time putting you on the fast track to spiritual growth
and a closer relationship to our Lord. I am happy to see and to say that
the Lord helped you through. He was and is preparing you. I am also
pleased to see you continue to respond to His work, and hope to continue
to follow your example.
In our all-wise, all-knowing, and all-merciful Lord Jesus Christ.
Bob L.