http://ichthys.com/ 
Marriage and the Bible XII
Question #1:   
Totally different subject, but I want to run a few other questions by you while we are still conversing (if you don't mind). Forgive me if I'm taking up too much of your time, but I'm currently studying the sermon on the mount and was confused by a few sections. I searched Ichthys on some of them and found answers but the ones I mention right below I couldn't seem to find. The Matthew verse by verse study you have posted was helpful but (like the study Bible) didn't address every passage. With that said, what is the meaning of Matthew 5:19? How does Matthew 5:31-32 apply to us today? Like, I get the general meaning, but are there other justifiable reasons for divorce other than marital unfaithfulness? If the husband divorced the wife (and not vice versa) why does that not allow her to remarry? If he left her, what could she do about that?
Response #1:
On Matthew 5:19, the first thing to note is that the second half of the verse printed in all editions of which I am aware, "but whoever does and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven" (NKJV), is not part of the original; it was apparently added very early on to "balance" the first part of the verse. When we read the correct text, we see in v.18 our Lord affirming the Law, and in v.20 our Lord making it clear that even those dedicated to the Law had insufficient righteousness to be saved; in between – according to the correct text – anyone who teaches that any part of the Law (of which "not a jot or tittle will pass away") – is found to be disqualified as a teacher. The direct message of this three verse part, therefore, is that (v.18) the Law is perfect, rightly understood and rightly taught; (v.19) discounting and warping any part of it (as the scribes and Pharisees regularly did) disqualified them as teachers of it; (v.20) no one can be righteous through the Law. The underlying message is that only through Christ – who perfectly followed, fulfilled, completed (and thus inactivated) the perfect Law – can anyone be righteous; and that the Law, correctly understood and correctly taught, is all about Him.

On "How does Matthew 5:31-32 apply to us today?", first thing to say is that there is a ton about this posted to Ichthys (because questions of sexuality, marriage, divorce and remarriage are some of the most common ones people want to ask; I'll give you some links below).

The second thing to say is that in this passage (and the companion ones: Matt.19:9; Mk.10:11-12; Lk.16:18), of course we have to have an eye towards the time and circumstances. Mark 10:12, for example, puts things directly for the woman: "And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery" (NKJV), no doubt because the gospel of Mark was written to a Roman audience where women had a lot more say about this sort of thing (Roman women of the early empire being the most "liberated" of those of whom we know in the ancient world with the possible exception of ancient Sparta), whereas in Judea the men mostly did the divorcing. Marriage and divorce are legal matters as well as a spiritual issue, and the "rules" for both differ from time to time and place to place because marriage is a civil institution set up by God for the whole human race and thus is dependent upon the laws of the state in question as well as upon issues of conscience. Believers are expected to follow the "rules" of the state in which they live as well as to strive to be "in the right" in spiritual terms as well.

Thirdly, our Lord makes these comments to scribes and Pharisees who were notoriously divorcing their wives in violation of the ACTUAL, biblical rules through their false interpretation of them. They did so on whim to replace unwanted wives with younger models rather than for any true offense on the part of the women. Given the consequences that might befall a women thrown out of house and home in those days, this was doubly despicable. So we should keep in mind that our Lord's purpose here is to prevent abuse – of women under the Law being wrongly treated according to an abuse of the Law. That doesn't mean that Christians are free and clear to marry and divorce at will without any consideration of this issue; it does mean that it's not as simple as some who interpret these passages want to suggest. For example, we find in 1st Corinthians chapter seven that there are legitimate reasons for separation, and that "if you marry, you have not sinned" (1Cor.7:28).

We know that it is better not to marry but also better to marry than to burn up with passion and make oneself vulnerable to all sorts of trouble thereby (1Cor.7:1-9). So I always, at such times, give a synopsis of the Bible rules for Christians today:

1) If you're single, better to stay single.

2) But if you get married, better to stay married and not get divorced.

3) If you do get divorced, better to stay single thereafter.

4) But if you do get re-married, better to stay married thereafter.

People often want to justify their past actions on this score. That is because they may feel guilty when they read the passage you ask about (and similar passages) and also because there is a cottage industry nowadays of "pastors" who are telling people who have remarried (regardless of fact or circumstances) that they need to divorce if they've remarried. That is not only "nuts" and in violation of many biblical commandments but will only lead to disaster.

The time to think about these matters, moreover, is BEFORE getting married. After getting married, YOU ARE MARRIED. Then its time to stop worrying about how you got married or why you got married or any possible "issues" involved in having gotten married and concentrate instead on making your marriage work in a godly way. That is the gist of all these biblical passages, not to provide any sort of mandate to change one's status – just the opposite.
Brethren, let each one remain with God in that state in which he was called.
1st Corinthians 7:24 NKJV
Here are some links:
Undeserved Suffering in Marriage: Peter #35
Marriage and the Bible XI
Marriage and the Bible X
Marriage and the Bible IX
Marriage and the Bible VIII
Marriage and the Bible VII
Marriage and the Bible VI
Marriage and the Bible V
Marriage and the Bible IV
Marriage and the Bible III
Marriage and the Bible II
Marriage and the Bible I
No Grounds for Divorce?
Jephthah's Daughter, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage.
A conversation about divorce and remarriage.
Feelings of Guilt about Remarriage.
More on divorce and remarriage.
Divorce and remarriage.
In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #2:
Dear Bob,

As usual I'm so very appreciative for your time and concern for believers just starting out like me. I read your messages from others and I realize you must spend a great deal of your personal time helping people like me from afar. I don't know if you remember but I first approached you about a year ago by email for help with the divorce remarriage I'm in. I still can't shake this feeling that something is wrong. It's a constant feeling of guilt and anxiety and depression. I've never known these feelings in my entire life prior to learning that my remarriage was sin. I have taken to heart what you've taught me so please don't think your time is wasted on me. I have taken all your advice and have been reading the Bible and your study materials every day. I'm concerned that this feeling of anxiety and guilt might actually be the Holy Spirit and by continuing to ignore it, as painful as it it, I may end up with a hardened heart and actually lose salvation. 

On the other hand I sometimes think I'm in an intense battle with the evil one and this is part of my testing to see how much I can take. I'm resolved to never forsake our Lord that I love. Neither do I want to forsake my wife and family that I love. I read scripture about how we are expected to love our Lord more than family and of course the wheels start turning in my mind. From your materials I have read so far, I get the impression that repentance is not about turning from specific sins but toward God and our Saviour and away from our previous lives of unbelief. Paul tells us that we should not sin so that grace could abound more. He even tells the church to expel a sinner living with his stepmom so that he may die in flesh but his soul may be spared. I've weeded out any sin or potential cause for sin in my life I can think of and yet the feeling of doom is still there.

I'm getting a little more than worried. Others I've talked to have told me that I must be "going to do some important work" if I'm being attacked this badly. I knew God wanted to work on me for the last several years even before I was a true believer. So I sold my practice to make myself available for the Lord. One day on my lunch break for some reason I decided to start reading the Bible. I was reading John when it all became real. I could see for the first time in my life. I dropped all my sinful habits (which were many) and took a really hard look at my life.

The freedom and joy of being truly reborn was amazing. Immediately after being born of the Spirit (of which I'm positive was a genuine experience) I had about 2 months of pure bliss. Then just like you described in one of your writings, the battle started. After confessing my sins to God and asking forgiveness I also knew I had to confess sins to my wife. Some time later she forgave me. She knew how heavy my guilt was for what I had done. Yet instead of divorcing and hating me she put me in the shower and washed my feet. She is the reason I opened the Bible that day Christ came into my life. That started her back toward Christ. She has been a believer a long time but was away from Him after her divorce.

I guess after my first wife left me for truly no biblically allowable reason (we were high school sweethearts who fought a lot and never should have gotten married in the first place) after a bad argument, and within a few months she was married to someone else. I was lost and my view on marriage and purity went down the drain. I did my residency in Miami and then was placed in Europe to serve my military commitment. I lived a sinful life. That became the norm for me for the next 10 years until I met my current wife. I still had purity problems when we married and I knew it, but I loved her and wanted a family. 

Fast forward to early last year and everything was changed by Jesus. As soon as I opened the door he rocked my world. I was a slave to sin no more. Oh how I cried and fell in love with Him. Come Tribulation I will gladly have my head cut off for His name. My faith is unshakable. I guess I'm so sensitive to sin now because of my past. I now work at a public clinic with disadvantaged children. I'm also volunteering at the children's hospital here. All I want is to honor God and produce fruit worthy of the salvation I was given for the rest of my time here on earth. I also want to raise my sons to avoid all the mess I got into. We read children's proverbs book at night before bed. 

I'm sorry for this long email. I thought you should know to whole truth. You and others I trust tell me we are forgiven for our previous divorces and we need to live out lives to glorify the Lord from here to the end. I've confessed and done everything I can think to do. I'm even taking a small group course on how to hear the voice of God. I'm hoping he will tell me directly what I'm to do. So far I'm not hearing the small still voice. 

Do you have any advice that can help me discern whether the terrible feelings I have had are indeed the devil and not the Holy Spirit? I tell myself that God would not want us to split up our family and ruin our kids lives. I think it was only through the power of the Holy Spirit my wife forgave me. If God wanted us to split that would have been the place. Yet I also in know that his ways are not our ways and I can't rely on my own reasoning.

Again I apologize for taking so much of your time. I really feel you are the only person I can rely on and trust as a teacher. I have so much respect for your level of education and dedication to the Lord. 

I didn't intend to fill up your inbox but I have to write one more time. I've been reading and studying and I think I'm finally starting to get it. I (we) are being prepared for a spiritual battle like no other. It's finally starting to click! It's taken this 12 month beat down to get to a point where I know I will be able to keep the faith even to the point of death. 

Thank you and God bless you and your family,
Response #2:
I do remember you – thanks for jogging my memory.

I'm delighted to hear that now you're "finally starting to get it"!

"I tell myself that God would not want us to split up our family and ruin our kids lives." Amen! How could anyone know anything about our loving and gracious God and Father and our dear Savior Jesus Christ and think otherwise? You have to be an unbeliever – or a mean-spirited and legalistic 'believer' to advocate for divorce when the Bible never ever does so.

Guilt and fear are the devil's weapons, so if that is what you are experiencing, it's not the Holy Spirit.

"I'm hoping he will tell me directly what I'm to do." In our present age, God communicates to us via the Word of God and its truth, and exclusively so. The Spirit uses the truth we expose ourselves to – if we believe it – to guide us, giving us assurance that the truth is the truth and helping us to see how it applies to our lives.

So there are no one-shot magic bullets. Spiritual confidence is a function of spiritual growth, and that requires doing the hard, daily work of consistent prayer, consistent Bible reading, and, very importantly, consistent accessing of a good teaching ministry, learning the truth, believing the truth, and applying the truth to our lives. This can't be done, moreover, by only accessing teaching which has to do with our particular problem or interest today. It has to be a comprehensive approach – all truth is important and none of it can be dispensed with.

So I recommend a program of spiritual growth as the "R/x" for your problem . . . as I do for everyone else too. Ichthys is one place I am confident you can go to grow as you need to do. Another great place I always recommend is Bible Academy (at the link).
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.
Romans 5:8-11 NKJV
You have been justified by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and possess the righteousness of God through faith in Him. Rejoice always in that salvation – which by definition means having been saved from the wrath all unbelievers will face.

In Jesus Christ our loving, faithful Savior,

Bob L.
Question #3:
Hi Dr,

I have a friend and brother in Christ who was incarcerated who is having difficulties in his marriage, particularly around resentment of being gone for 3 years. What does the Bible say about separation as a possible means of saving a marriage?

I know the Lord hates divorce and the only biblical reason is due to adultery or abuse. But what happens if there is no reconciliation or the bitterness can't be overcome?

Thank you Dr.

In Christ our Lord
Response #3:
Scripture doesn't say anything, as far as I know, about separation as a means of saving a marriage (e.g., 1Cor.7:1-2). Scripture is not overly concerned with "saving marriages". In terms of two believers married to each other, the biblical position is that while marriage is better avoided in the first place, once it is entered into, both parties have an obligations to each other (1Cor.7:3ff.): the husband is to love his wife and the wife is to respect her husband (Eph.5:22-33). 

God has called us to peace. Husband and wife who are believers both have obligations in a marriage to make it work. If it's not working, that is because one or the other is not "doing their job" – or more often both (relative dereliction being a matter of degrees).

The main point here is that even believers often don't have a choice in the matter. If the one party wants to separate or divorce, there's little the other party can do. I would add to that in the case you mention, if there is resentment for being gone, I wonder how leaving again is going to help?

I've got a lot of links on divorce and the like at Ichthys. Here's one of the more recent which leads to others: Marriage and the Bible XI

I'll say a prayer for your friend.

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #4:
[observations and questions about issues in dating and seeking a spouse in today's world]
Response #4:
In my experience and observation, likes and dislikes, matches and mismatches, all of those sorts of thing don't make the biggest difference in the end. What matters in marriage is integrity. If a person has integrity, then he/she will do what he/she can to make the match work no matter what. But it does take two people who have integrity and commitment to make any match actually work. Marriage is very difficult (1Cor.7:28). And, nowadays, finding someone else with the necessary integrity to make a go of it is extremely rare. In fact, it has to come from God.

Glad to hear you're finally getting a little time off. Happy 4th!

Keeping you in my prayers.

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #5:
Hope you're doing well. How have you been? 

I'm aware of all the passages that speak of children in a good light and all, but does Scripture mandate all married couples to have children? Is it wrong or sinful for some couples (assuming they are both fertile and able to) to not have children? Should 1 Timothy 5:14 (I've been meaning to ask you about this passage for a long time) be taken as a universal and mandatory command for all able couples of all time to be fruitful and multiply (even though Paul spoke to a specific audience in that passage)? Or is this an area of application by which we don't have enough information to say for certain? 

In His grace and power, 
Response #5:
Re: "Is it wrong or sinful for some couples to not have children?", I don't find that anywhere in scripture. God told Adam and Eve (Gen.1:28) and also Noah and his family (Gen.8:17; 9:1; 9:7) to "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth". I don't see any overall lack of commitment to this command since there are somewhere over 8 billion people on earth at present. I think it was Mark Twain who quipped that this was "the only commandment of the Almighty which the human race every embraced with any particular enthusiasm" (or words to that effect). 

Also, I don't see – if one were to take the view that there is anything problem at all with not having children – that there could then be any defense of any sort of birth control ever for any reason, including the "rhythm method" which even the R.C.'s endorse. Because if there is anything sinful at all with refraining from having children in any way, then it would seem to me that refraining in any way would be equally wrong – like abstinence ever within marriage (which Paul says is acceptable for a time in order to have time to pray: 1Cor.7:5) or even staying single too (especially in the time the Bible was written when staying single would mean not marrying the person you were arranged to marry – but Paul says that is godly: 1Cor.7:25-38).

In spite of the political climate we find ourselves in today, my view of what the Bible teaches is that all matters having to do with procreation are better left entirely to married couples, without pastors et al. getting anywhere near suggesting that there are "rules" to abide by in areas where scripture doesn't explicitly give them. Paul's injunction you ask about is telling young unmarried widows to marry rather than to get into trouble – which is a lot like telling unmarried men to marry for the same reason (1Cor.7:2-3); but in neither case is it an order, nor is the purpose to produce children. Besides, in the ancient world, the only sure-fire way not to have children was to refrain from sexual activity, and that is definitely not appropriate for a married couple "except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer" (1Cor.7:5). 

Otherwise, it seems to me that only in the very recent past in all of human history has there ever been any proclivity for people NOT to want to have children. My mother told me this story: my parents married relatively late life (dad was 39, mom ten years younger). Dad broached the subject that maybe because they were older they should forgo having children. Mom's response: "In that case there's no point in getting married!" My brother and I are forever grateful.
Traditionally, having children has been "the point", so not wanting to have them would be hard for anyone in biblical times to understand in the first place . . . which is not at all to say it's a sin.

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #6:
[omitted]
Response #6:
No worries, my friend. I'm glad for the update.

If I were your parents, I'd be "tickled pink" by your decision to choose a regular job. As it is, I'm happy to hear this, because I THINK it's a good decision – but of course it's YOUR decision.

As to your questions about marriage:
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
Matthew 19:10-12 NIV

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1st Corinthians 7:8-9 NIV
Ever since I've been corresponding with you, you have been completely consistent about the fact that marriage was something you wanted – something you needed. Applications such as which job and which career to choose depend upon knowing oneself in spiritual maturity. If you were certain that like the young men in 1st Corinthians 7 who were of a mind to "keep their virgins" as such and not marry, sure and certain in your own mind that this was right for you and definitely possible to carry through on, then perhaps the more unstructured way of doing those things would be possible. One would still want to weigh out the pluses and minuses of the potential headaches and insecurities of that route against the time commitment in a steady job (and other issues as well), but it might be worth "doing the math". As it is, someone who is determined to be married (and/or needs to be) really has to keep "doing right" by keeping the future spouse in mind in making all such calculations. 

I do remember my email to you and I'm very happy that you remember it too because it spells out the more important points I would want to make here. Whatever incremental gain might be had by, e.g., freelancing, could well be eaten up by the stress and trouble this lifestyle would cause at home – for a married person. And in any case, I feel it would be somewhat unfair to future spouse to forgo a job that would be a solid basis for homemaking when that is a known part of the plan. 

Mind you, all jobs have problems, all legitimate work is godly, and if freelancing were all you could get, that would be fine – and you and your future wife would bump along until something better came up. Something with health insurance, for example. I have a former seminary colleague in California – where they are supposed to have some hugely generous health insurance support – who is trying to find a job with benefits because the health insurance is costing him $1,000 a month even so. Maternity without health insurance is not even to be contemplated. That's where we are in this country at the moment, like it or not. 

Also, I have the sense that the military, unlike a private company, is not going to abuse you. You will put in your hours and only your hours – without particular stress – and will be rewarded for doing a good job. I could certainly be wrong about that, but if so it would contradict all my past life-experience. It might be boring. It might be geographically challenged. The military, even adjunct in your case, is not for everyone. It might not pay as much as some freelancing gigs. But it's nice to be able to know that you and the Mrs. can go to the grocery store every week – and to the Dr. whenever necessary.

Things are likely to change during the Tribulation (that might be an understatement). But that will be true everywhere and for everyone in every situation. Would it be better not to marry and have children in light of what's coming? That may be so, but it's the rare individual who might be in a position to construct his/her life around that. I've always advised folks to do what the Lord leads them to do day by day without worrying about the eschatological clock – with the sole important exception that doubling down on spiritual growth, progress and production is what I find to be the correct application for recognizing "where we are"– not stocking up on ammunition or canned goods – or avoiding "life" generally.

God is in control. Your intentions are godly and so is your approach. He is answering your prayers in all this – regardless of how things turn out. So keep on praying – and I will continue to do so on your behalf.

Your friend in Jesus Christ,

Bob L.
Question #7:
[omitted]
Response #7:
First, let me assure you, my friend, that I would not think any less of you at all if you decided to take this job or anything else. We're always working off of imperfect information and mine is far less than yours – and you're the only one who really knows you. Perhaps the other opportunity would be just what you need. I've given you some things to think about as per your request, but you have to do what you feel the Lord is calling you to do. And just because it does "feel good to you" does not mean it's wrong; and vice versa. 

One of the reasons why I'm not the best person to weigh all this is that I'm not personally cut out either for engineering or nine-to-five. I've tried them both on (I went to a technical high school with the idea of taking an engineering degree – West Point, I was hoping), and neither one fit well at all. So I would be lost in that position – but also in the other one. Freelancing probably wouldn't work for me either as I function best with a consistent routine. So it's a blessing the Lord landed me where He did. He is using all this to help you figure yourself out too, I'm pretty sure. 

One thing you say is brilliant in this regard: "I'm already failing to make excellent spiritual use of the free time I already have, much less loads more of it". Amen! The number of Christians who have managed to use lots of free time well is minimal in my experience. Most of us need some measure of "enforced humility" as Col. Thieme used to call it; that is to say, a routine wherein we are more or less forced to show up and do what we are supposed to do or suffer the consequences. With less free time, we tend to fill in the really important things around those edges. I did have to discipline myself in my schooling after the USMC and also as a professor - - as in both things (as you know from college) there is great opportunity to ruin oneself if one is not sufficiently good at self-starting "enough and soon enough". If I won the lottery (OK, I don't play, so if someone did win and dumped the money on my doorstep), I think it would at the very least take me some serious time and effort to get to using significantly more free time and energy for this ministry . . . let alone most of the new time. So this is a good thing to keep in mind and I'm glad you're being realistic about it. When I was in seminary, there was a trend in many large businesses to hire "chaplains" (akin today to hiring "diversity officers"). Problem was that these chaplains were pretty much allowed to make up their own jobs at that time (things have changed now), and it ruined a large number of otherwise good men who were not good at disciplining themselves to make the most of a free-form job.

1) 100% is what we all want. Tying ourselves up in knots because we are not immediately anywhere close to 100% may end up in us doing much less than if we were realistic in the first place (in fact it's almost certain from what I've observed). How about this: we try to do a good job today and we try to do better day by day. And if we fail, we get up tomorrow and try to do a good job tomorrow and try to do better. We don't coddle ourselves. We also don't pretend we are someone we are not. In between is a space that's good and a basis from which we can improve, God helping us and us doing our part.

2) "What if we never get married?" If a bus runs you over tomorrow (heaven forbid!), that 'if' would be fulfilled. But what if you pass on solid job prospects and things are very dicey in freelancing, and six months later you meet the love of your life? It would probably be hard to get back to the military job, e.g., at that point. Here's another thought. The Lord gives us one day at a time. If we are making use of today to learn the truth, walk closer to the Lord, and help others do likewise, then to that extent the day was a success. In terms of longer range planning, if we are committing our way to the Lord and doing things with Him in mind first and foremost, then things will turn out. And if we have, for no ill-intent, not figured it out perfectly, He can change anything around as need be. If I know I'll be ineffective without a wife in the long run, then taking steps to make that more plausible in terms of support for future ministry strikes me as a reasonable thing to do (Phil.3:15).

3) This all sounds reasonable. The only thing is that "wife" is generic; the person you marry will be a person, and no two persons are the same. If you find a woman who truly and genuinely supports your ministry with as much zeal as you do (think Priscilla and Aquilla), then you definitely have found a "good thing" (Prov.18:22). If you find a wife who supports your ministry at all, you should be grateful. So in actuality this will all depend on how you and your wife thrash things out and divide things up.

4) God has given you wisdom and intelligence and no doubt means for you to use them. As mentioned above, just because, e.g., the other job may seem the best combination between enjoyment and security, doesn't mean it's wrong; just because the military-adjunct job may seem the most secure and the best basis for marriage and a solid support for ministry, doesn't mean it's wrong; just because freelancing may seem potentially the most remunerative, the most flexible for ministry potential, and the most courageous in terms of faith, doesn't mean it's wrong – or right (in all cases). 

I think what you are facing here is what the French call "an embarrassment of riches". As I shared with you, I never had to go through this because this job I have is the only one that filled the bill when it was my time to absolutely need a tenure track slot. It hasn't been perfect but it has been a blessing. It has been more than sufficient to do what the Lord wanted me to do. I'm sure that this will be the case with whatever you choose. 

I will pray for the Lord to help you with this decision – and to give you peace of mind and complete confidence in the decision you make.

Your friend in Jesus Christ,

Bob L.
Question #8:
[omitted]
Response #8:
No problem, my friend. Allow me to push back a little on the assumptions here, however. 

First off, everyone is different. It's not the case that "freelancing is better" or "a military-adjunct job is better" – even if we all knew exactly ahead of time what each of the two entails and how they would play out (and we are only speculating about that as well). It's a case of "this one is better FOR ME". So it really is all about your likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, plans and expectations when it comes to the abstract details about these various jobs as we are imagining them. You are "your own dog", and that's a good thing. 

Second, what your other friends do is not computer engineering freelancing (and is significantly different from it), and what I do is not like the military-adjunct job (and is significantly different from it – as well as from what I did in the USMC). Those differences are great enough to knock out any idea of a binary decision. And while I understand the third job getting tossed, I'm quite surprised that you are so quick to remove the other job from consideration. Isn't this the highest paying job? And the one with some cross-over? More relaxed than the military-adjunct one, I'm sure, and more stable than freelancing, with some believers on the work site.

Third, the times and your role. So in my reading of scripture, there's not a lot of time left. But I am living my life one day at a time and making decisions which make sense under any possible circumstances when it comes to the mundane things of life – and that is what I've always advised everyone else to do as well. Freelancing might seem better in terms of getting one's oar in ministry earlier and more often if the time is short; the military-adjunct may seem better in terms of having a stable routine on which to build on as much as one can in terms of ministry that is regular; the other place might be a little of both. But really the key to all that is "what is your ministry?" What do you envision doing and how? If you're not sure at present, that is very understandable. But if such is the case, how will lots of free time and flexibility in freelancing be of benefit January next? Of course getting into a comfortable routine with the military-adjunct job could easily slip into doing not much other than reading Ichthys and doing some Greek and Hebrew on your own (not that there's anything wrong with that), and even this might be challenging in 9-5 once you start dating someone seriously. On the other hand, the other gig might make it more likely that you meet a woman who is actually a Christian, and it also might suggest or even open up ministry opportunities (even if only by negative example). My caveats on that option have to do with false assumptions about what most Laodicean evangelical Christians value and how they run things. But if you went in with your eyes open, that would be a different story.

Fourth, marriage. As a single man I believe you can stay on your parents' health insurance until you're 25. Married people need health insurance. And, really, they need good health insurance. But I would not frame that as the key issue. The key issue is marrying the right person. Or, better put, refraining from marrying the wrong person. Even the right person, however, will need to be adjusted to. That is fair, because she will have to adjust to you. We often don't see things that way, but that is of course how it actually is. How that plays into ministry is a real question. But I will tell you that compatibility on "religion" (genuinely supporting your ministry) is something that never ever comes in after the fact. Rather, it is all too common for someone who is crazy about you to pretend that they are crazy about your desire to minister / your incipient ministry. It's not even fair to denigrate that. It's just how people are built. But the truth divides people, even people who are crazy about each other – sooner or later. So if I were you, I would not make this decision all about marriage. My advice is to pick the course that seems best, and leave it to the Lord to provide you at the proper time with a woman who is OK with what you have chosen. We're talking about a pretty exceptional girl here, however. And you have to be realistic about that as well. So that's no doubt the real choice. 

To paraphrase you, "I think this is more than enough for this time", but do feel free to write me back about any of this or anything I didn't directly address before.

In Jesus our dear Savior,

Bob L.
Question #9:
Good morning brother Robert,

It's been a few years since I last wrote and I would love to have the link for your current online Bible study. Also, I am back in the abyss of worry and I know that only fervent daily studying of the scripture will get me to where I need to be mentally and physically. There is one more verse that looms in my mind that I cannot seem to shake. 

So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. 
Romans 7:2 

I know what we have discussed before, but this seems to say I will be considered an adulteress while I am married? Please advise when you have time, thank you.
Response #9:
It's good to hear from you – but I am sorry to hear that you haven't been able to let this go. The devil is good about using guilt against believers, especially regarding things long in the past, long ago forgiven by the Lord and best long forgotten by us as well.

As to Romans 7:12, the first thing to note about the passage is that it is not about marriage at all – it's about the Law and the believer's relationship to it. Paul is demonstrating that while if we were still under the Law it would be a problem not to follow it, as those who belong to Christ we have died to the Law through the death of Christ who paid for all the offenses under the Law. Therefore we are not only free to "be with another", namely Christ, it is in fact a scandal to go back to the "first husband" who for us at least should be considered dead as we are dead to him (i.e., the Law).

The second thing to note is that the word "married" does not occur in this verse. It actually says that if a woman "is/comes to be" with another man while she is married, she is an adulteress by definition. That is indeed the definition. The hypothetical woman in this case would be engaging in relations with a man other than her husband while still married to that first husband. Paul puts things the way he does not to make any sort of new point about marriage but to show that of necessity we had to die to the Law in order to be with Christ. And since that is the case, worrying about following the Law is nonsense (and is in fact a real problem for believers saved by grace; see now the Hebrews series at the link).

So this passage is not about divorce. There is no divorce here and no possible way of drawing any conclusions about divorce or remarriage after divorce from this passage – which is not about marriage either in fact but about Christians and their new relationship with Christ apart from the Law.

Adultery, as this passage does show (otherwise Paul's point would not be made), consists of a married person having relations with another other than their wedded spouse while still married to that spouse. The word does not apply, not here, not elsewhere in the Bible, not anywhere in Greek literature I am aware of, to people who are no longer legally married. A man and a woman legally married to each other are NOT committing adultery when they have relations, regardless of the "back story" – that is hyper-legalistic insanity.

As I always point out, it's really impossible to move on from the past without moving forward spiritually. So I'm happy to hear you ask for the link to the weekly postings (here it is: they are put up sometime Saturday so as to be available anytime on Sunday). These weekly postings are more for reinforcement of principles learned elsewhere at Ichthys, however, and for encouragement (rather than for systematic edification). I strongly recommend starting with the Peter series (at the link), then moving on to the Basics series (link).

Keeping you in my prayers,

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #10:
Thank you again for getting back with me so quickly, I know you must get a ton of correspondence and probably never sleep in taking care to show love to God's children which I question if I fall in that category. I am confused about this however because I re-read the chapter again and I see the "law" analogy, but He seems to be using marriage as the example and in fact does use the word "marriage"...this is the KJV of course...Please advise once more if I have misinterpreted this as i still consider myself a babe in the truest sense of the word...

Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2 For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. 4 Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.
Response #10:
There is a Greek word for "marry", but that word doesn't occur anywhere in this passage. Translating with the word "married" here is an interpretation which, for sure in verse three, is dead wrong. The key point of that verse is that the "adulteress" is aptly named that because she "is with" another man while still married to her husband – that is to say in direct contrast to the wrong translations she is NOT "married" to the other man, and that is the whole point and the whole problem; she is "with him" even though he is not her husband while she is still married to that first husband (exemplifying the Law in this passage). That is what adultery is. There is no divorce in this context anywhere. The event that changes the situation is death, not divorce.  We believers are free to "marry" Christ because we "died" to our first husband, the Law. Paul's argument here in fact doesn't work at all if a person were to postulate that divorce instead of death and marriage instead of "adultery while married" were being used as the examples in this context. It is unfortunate that the translators of the KJV (and other versions) have gotten this one so wrong, because it has caused a lot of confusion.

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #11:
Thanks again Robert for your follow up. You're saying it could be that a legal divorce did not take place and she went and married another? I do see other translations that say only "with or joined", but these definitely say "married or marries", which is why I'm so confused. Thank you again for your time and prayers. :-)

New Living Translation
So while her husband is alive, she would be committing adultery if she married another man.

New King James Version
So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress;

King James Bible
So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress

Christian Standard Bible
So then, if she is married to another man while her husband is living, she will be called an adulteress 
Response #11:
Re: "You're saying it could be that a legal divorce did not take place and she went and married another?"  That's right. In spite of these misleading translations, the word "married" is NOT present in the text; the text says "is/becomes/gets with" someone else, meaning adultery while married not marriage to this person other than her [first] husband. 

The situation Paul envisions in his hypothetical is of a woman committing adultery against her still-married-to husband: because IF we were still under the Law, that would be the situation for us believers in abandoning the Law to live instead in freedom and grace with Jesus Christ. But because the old husband is dead and we are dead to him, we are NOT guilty of spiritual adultery for living in the freedom and grace of belonging to Jesus Christ, walking in love and NOT in the Law. This passage is all about us being freed from the Law. It is not in any way about divorce because there is no divorce even mentioned in the passage – and it's really not about marriage either but about our freedom from the Law.

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #12:
Hi Robert, 

I saw this on your page about Matthew and I got anxiety from it. I want to live my life in peace and move on but when I see versus like

This I get really bad anxiety.

Please help me understand it: [screen shot from Marriage and the Bible]
Response #12:
I'm not sure what the issue here. This screen shot is out of context, but the point clearly is that there are legitimate grounds for divorce.

As to peace, I deeply desire this for you as well!

Please remember that even if a person wrongly divorced, there is forgiveness on confession. And even if a person wrongly married, there is forgiveness on confession. There may be "natural consequences" for such actions – indeed, there are "consequences" of getting married regardless (cf. 1Cor.7:28: "[all] those who marry will face many troubles in this life"). BUT that is a far cry from "hell".

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that believers "go to hell" for doing something wrong; we are disciplined for the wrongs we commit – just like David was, e.g. – but we can still love the Lord and be blessed by Him even when we are being disciplined (Heb.12:1ff.). All believers are saved; only unbelievers go to hell (Jn.3:18).

When it comes to things LONG past, it biblical to let them go, especially since they've long ago been confessed (with any discipline also long in the past).
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:13b-14 NIV
You are a believer, so you have nothing to worry about.

In Jesus our Lord,

Bob L.
Question #13:
Thank you Bob. 

What I don’t understand is some of the people that believe what that man told me says they pray about it and that’s why they tell people like me they are right cause of praying about it and god answers them. I’m doing better then I was I just don’t know where they get that from. 
Response #13:
As to "why?" and "where/who do they get that from?", I think this verse says it all:
"You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it."
John 8:44 NKJV
In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #14:
I’m so sorry for contacting you so much over this. I know the Bible has Greek. Does anywhere win the Bible even in Greek say that we go to hell for being in our second marriage?
Response #14:
No it does not – not even close.

The Bible DOES say that if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, then you are saved and going to heaven (Jn.3:18).

It's all about faith in Christ (Eph.2:8-9).

No one has lived a perfect life. When it comes to the past, we confess . . . and move on (1Jn.1:9).

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #15:
Have you heard of lavista church of Christ ?
Response #15:
You mentioned them before, I think. 

"Churches of Christ" (the ones derived from the "restoration" movement) have a strong tendency to legalism. For instance, they also teach water-baptism necessary for salvation. That is also a lie. If a person believes they are saved by being dunked in water they are not saved at all. They engage in many other false practices and have many other false doctrines, so I wouldn't listen to anything they say. They are the proverbial "wolves in sheep's clothing", putting on a facade of holiness – like a whitewashed tomb where inside only decay is to be found.

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #16:
Hi Robert, 

I really want to Move on with my life and im one of those people that need to hear it. It’s hard communicating through emails. I’m not good at studying the Bible. Some of the people that say we are not suppose to be in a second marriage use big words and it makes my brain think they are smart so they must know something. This is why I need to hear it from somebody that can explain it to me in a way I can understand. Do you have any suggesting on who I would be able to talk to other then through email. Even on the phone would be better for me. 

Thank you. 
Response #16:
You seem plenty smart to me!  You are just allowing yourself to be "guilt-tripped" into a state of anxiety for no good reason.

The Bible was written for everyone. If some supposed teaching is complicated to the point of being non-understandable, it's no doubt false doctrine.

Also we have the Holy Spirit who makes the truth clear to us . . . if we are willing to accept the truth as true.

"Some of the people that say we are not supposed to be in a second marriage". If a person is married, they are married, and the Bible is very clear that we are supposed to stay married. So it doesn't matter what number the marriage is or how it happened or whether or not there were prior complications. That is all "water under the bridge". 

My reading of scripture: Are you married? Stay married (cf. 1Cor.7:17; 7:27). Does the Bible ever tell anyone to get a divorce? No (Mal.2:16).

Pretty simple. I can't make it simpler.

No one can change the past. As Christians, we are to make the best of the present (Phil.3:13). Period.

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #17:
This will be my last question. Why does that church say they are teaching the truth of the Bible?
Response #17:
Well, if they said, "this is just our opinion", no one would listen to them. 

That is why ALL cults claim to teach the Bible. The Mormons make that claim. So do the RCs. So does every other cult which claims to be Christian.

Of course in fact they do NOT teach the Bible. Nearly every major position this church takes (as mentioned before), is decidedly not biblical.

Cults count on people not actually reading their Bibles.

The Bible is filled with the grace and mercy and forgiveness of God. But these people want to throw fire and brimstone and hell at anyone who does not do exactly what they say to do. You don't have to read very far in the Bible to figure out that this is wrong.

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #18:
Is there anyway I can set up at time to call you ? I think this would really help me. I have got to do something before I lose my mind and my family.
Response #18:
I don't do pastoral counseling (I'm not professionally trained in it).

All and I can do is tell you the truth – and I have already done that many times. There's nothing magic in the sound of my voice (far from it: 2Cor.10:10).

It's up to you to believe the truth and to apply it. No one can do that for you.

The truth is that since you are married the Bible tells you to stay married. There are no Bible verses telling married Christians to get divorced, regardless of their past history.

In Jesus our dear Savior,

Bob L.
Question #19:
I understand. Thanks for all of your help. It’s still bothers me that I have no idea where they get that idea about divorce and believe it so

Much they post about it on the internet. Are there many churches or people that believe like they do? That lavista church of Christ is on the internet on there church web site telling people to get a divorce. I don’t understand why they believe it so much. I just want peace from it and to move on with my life with my husband and my son and make the best of this life I have. I’m tired of living in fear mr Luginbill. Now it goes though my head who’s right and who’s wrong: I never have heard of any of what that man said that until a few years ago and he claim to teach the truth which make it more scarier. What do you suggest I do? I have got to get a grip on this before if completely destroys my life.
Response #19:
I can only share my experience and observations about cult-like groups. It is a benefit to any cult to get their adherents to dump their families. If someone stupid enough to do so, the cult becomes their new family. More to the point, the cult is now the ONLY family they have. Since they have no place else left to go, they are now completely enslaved and will do whatever the cult wants . . . like give it all their money, do whatever work it wants done, and evangelize for it so as to get more money, more free labor and more slaves.

Here is one important link on this topic:  #Peter #39: False Teachers, False Teaching, and False Organizations

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #20:
Hi Robert, 

Sorry for the long wait on the response. Thank you for all your help I’m still struggling but I’m getting better. I had a friend of mine suggesting a book to read that all about that subject of marriage and divorce it was a good book. I was looking for other books that would help me and I came across this other book where the man believed I would go to hell for being in my second marriage and it hit me again. I just don’t understand why they write books about it. My brain will say well they wrote a book about it so it must me true and the anxiety’s starts all over. Are there many people out there that believe the whole divorce and remarriage is a sin? I hope it dies out and there aren’t many people who believe that. It had destroyed my life for so long and I would hate for anyone else to go through the tournament I have been thorough the past few years. People can write books about anything right? That doesn’t make them right? 

Thank you for all your advice and time 
Response #20:
"People can write books about anything right?" Clearly, they do so. They don't have to know anything to do so. They don't have to be right to do so. They just have to be motivated to do so. Hate is a powerful motivator. Hitler wrote a book. Marx wrote a book. Lot's of people write books. Doesn't mean that what they right in them is correct.

Why do it? Mostly for money. Also for fame. Sometimes they're just motivated by the devil to do so. Just another way to disturb the peace of believers in Jesus Christ. I think that's what's going on in this case. And we can expect this trend to intensify as we grow ever closer to the Tribulation:
The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.
1st Timothy 4:1-2 NIV
In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #21:
Robert,

Why can’t I get over what was said to me [about the need to divorce my second husband or else go to hell]? I’ll be fine for a few weeks and sometimes months but then it hits me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere and I’ll start thinking but what is f he was right and the anxiety takes over and i have a hard time functioning and can’t even have a day of peace cause it plays in my head over and over again. I just don’t any to move on with my life and not think that I’m going to hell every second of the day. Why do these people say that ? How can they be so sure ? It’s killing me. Is there a verse in the Bible that tells them that what they are saying is true. All I can imagine all day is me going to hell and suffering and I can’t get any joy out of my life because of that . I really don’t know where to turn how to fix it all I do is wish that I was never told that and wishing I could erase it from my memory. I’m scared full of anxiety and slowing ruining my life.
Response #21:
We've been here before. When you ask, "do they have a verse?", of course they do not. Otherwise, believe you me, they would have shouted that verse at you in the loudest possible voice. You know these people are lying. The bigger the liar, the surer he seems, because that is the only way he can convince people since what he is saying is obviously untrue.

My advice to you is to stop "imagining" and start reading the Bible regularly. You can't fight something (a lie) with nothing – you need the truth. I would suggest that you focus on spiritual growth. That is how we "reprogram" our hearts and our thinking. Our God is a God of peace, but we need to draw near to Him to experience that peace, and once again the only way to do that is spiritual growth.

I pray for you about this every day, my friend, but with all due respect it's like an MD who prescribes the perfect meds but the patient won't take them (or at least won't take them daily so as to do some good).

I suggest starting with the Peter series and the Basics series (at the links).
Question #22:
Robert, 

I want to get better. I want to stop the crippling anxiety every time I open my eyes. Believe me all I want is to get better but for some reason I can’t shake it. I don’t understand why they tell people that and ruin lives and they are so sure to tell

People that if the don’t listen they will go to hell. I have been dealing with this on and off for 3 years now. I’m scared of God I’m scared of hell I’m scared of the Bible. I don’t understand any of it so it makes it worse. All I want to do is live my life happily with my husband and my son. I cry all the time I have full blown panic attacks. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
Response #22:
I do hear you. Trust me when I say that you can't "fight something with nothing". One has to learn to trust the Lord and not be led around instead by lies and emotions. But it's not a matter of just saying it or wishing it. It takes persistent, daily spiritual growth – akin to physical therapy after a bad accident: a person doesn't completely heal up without putting in the work.

So, again, I am praying for you, but I can't do the Bible study for you . . . nor the Bible reading nor, most particularly, the believing what you read and are taught. Only truth believed is usable by the Holy Spirit in a spiritual battle such as this is. 

Our God is a God of peace, and that is very clear in all Bible reading. So don't be afraid. Have faith in Him. He is your Rock, your anchor, your help and hope and support. 

It's time to step out in faith.

In Jesus,

Bob L.
Question #23:
Hi Bob, 

I’m going to be starting therapy with a Christian counselor to help me get over this hump. It’s been rough and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I have one last question: does anybody ever tell these people that they are wrong ? Do they never say anything ? 

Thanks for all your help 
Response #23:
People like this have their ears stopped up (Zech.7:11), so there is no point telling them they are wrong because they won't listen.

But they will get an ear-full at the judgment seat of Christ . . . if per chance they are believers. If not – and I suspect they are not – they will get their comeuppance at the last judgment . . . just before they are pitched into the lake of fire.

Keeping you in my prayers.

In Jesus,

Bob L. 
Question #24:
Bob,

I am originally from India and had an arranged marriage 18 years ago. I knew my wife very briefly before the wedding. About a week before she told me that she had a history of self harm and I wanted to cancel the wedding; but she threatened me that something I told her in private will be told to my parents and being a soft natured person I succumbed. In a nutshell, she is exceptional with keeping the home, physically taking care of the children, attending to all my needs at home. I always have a meal waiting for me when I come home, my clothes are washed ironed and put away etc. 

However, since day 1 there has been an extremely controlling situation and threats. She has a history of sexual abuse as a child. 1 month after the wedding she claimed that my father, a good Christian man tried to molest her, when in reality he had not even been alone with her. He said some innocent comments with my mother present and this was completely taken way out of context. I was forbidden to talk to my parents, my phone was thrown down, she threatened to tear up all my medical school certificates. Once she tried to get out of a moving car and when I restrained her by putting my hand forcibly on her thigh, threatened to call the police saying I hit her.

However, there will be periods of good times in between. I understood her childhood trauma and as distressing as it was, did my best to put up with her. After my father passed away my mother came to live with us and my wife expected to be given our share of the property/money even when my mother was alive and needed this to support herself. When this did not happen, my mother was verbally and emotionally abused to the point that after 6 months she had to leave home. But here is how it twists; my wife said " I will not eat and get sick; they will take me to the hospital and I will tell them that my husband and mother in law are abusing me. They will arrest you and there will be an article in the newspaper that a doctor was arrested for ill treating his wife"

I have tried to get her to accept medical help but she refuses. 2 years ago, my mother had terminal cancer and I wanted to leave the country exactly for 4 days to visit her. She and the children went on at me as though I was doing something wrong. 2 days before I left she went to the police station and filed a report that I was sexually touching my own children, in an attempt to stop me from going. CPS interviewed the children and immediately I was cleared. I was told by attorneys not to go back home till the issue was resolved and so I stayed out for about 6 weeks. She apologized for my trouble but never admitted that she was wrong, as usual. But here is what she tells the children " dad left because he did not care about us" 

She also believes that she is God's special person on earth and cannot be wrong. There is bible on tape playing all the time at home and Jesus talk to a degree its obnoxious given her behavior. She listens to fringe preachers and tells the children I have demons inside me. My 11 year old was accusing me and telling me she sees demons inside me and my mother but not in anyone else. She told me God gave her a vision, I died in a car accident and went to hell. My wife and mother in law call this girl a prophetess and she goes on talking this kind of stuff against me. When my wife listens to preachers with demonic doctrines, I tell the children to go to their room and read the bible. My wife tells them I have satan inside me which is why I am not letting them listen to this. She tells me and children I should change my job as a surgeon because I am touching women patients and that is inappropriate. I am a classical pianist and she says demons are coming into the house when I play Bach and Beethoven. I can go on and on but you get an idea. I even have an e mail she accidentally sent me where she is corresponding with the preacher and he is asking her to bind the demons inside me.

It finally came to a point a few months ago where the children would turn their face when they walk into the house after a walk and I say good morning. They would lock the doors and prevent me from coming to their room; till they were 10 years old (I have quadruplets, three girls and a boy all 13.5 years old now), I was their best friend. They adored me and I do not know if it was jealousy or her mental state, but she completely alienated them against me.

In late July she said she wanted to go to India because her mother was diagnosed with cancer; I had just before this reached out to the marriage counselor at church and spoke to him and his wife about my situation. They told me not to send the children with her to India as they felt something was amiss. However, I felt bad and figured it will not be good if the children do not get to see their grandmother. Since going to India, they have completely cut off all communication with me, unenrolled the children from school and switched of their phones. My in laws will not reply either. They are rich and arrogant and not once tell their daughter what she is doing is wrong. My mother in law also believes she is a prophetess and hears from God. My children were home schooled most of the time against my advice and are always around the mother. They were finally going to start high school and now they are back to online school.

My church counselor suggested filing for divorce to protect myself as my wife is vindictive and can ruin me in every way possible if I go against her. They said once temporary orders are in place, they can talk to her and get her to understand her behavior, to repent and change. If not to go ahead with the divorce so I can free myself and the children from this situation and be able to function. Besides, with her gone with the children to India, there is no way to get them back. So after she left, I filed for divorce, filed a case of parental abduction and have temporary orders for full custody in Texas. However, after my wife got these orders, she has filed a case in India accusing me of pretty much everything except murder. She has rekindled the sexual allegations against me; the children have written to their school principal of how I was sexually abusing them for years and they had to get away from me. She has made such a monster out of me and got custody in India. So here I am being accused of being a bisexual pedophile. You have no idea about me or if me story is true; but I know when I close my eyes for good, God cannot accuse me of any of these charges. Now I have to fight these allegations there in India and no one knows how this will go. I feel inside me that if my children get counseling for the next 4 years before they go to college, and I am able to tell them the truth about my wife's behavior, they will realize how they have been trapped into a cult like situation. I could never tell them this while still married as everything I tell them will be told to their mother.

Here are my problems:

1. I grew up with a fundamental Christian doctrine that divorce was always a sin; I still feel guilty inside me although I know mine is an exceptional circumstance. I have come to the point where I have so much guilt I did not do the right thing for my parents as I was so controlled by my wife and threatened if I chose to do the right thing. And both my parents who were some of the most sincere Christians one can ever meet are dead now.

2. I do not see any other way to redeem my children except get them out from my wife's control through a divorce. I want my children to have the love of their mother, but she cannot emotionally damage them anymore. I cannot see how this can be accomplished without trying to get full custody. 

3. In spite of what she has alleged against me, I am still willing to work on my marriage if she will accept that she has serious mental health issues. People around me say I am absolutely crazy to do this and I am putting myself in danger.

4. I walk around the house, think of all the good times too and feel sorry for her. But everyone around who knows my story tell me I have enabled her by putting up with her threats/feeling sorry for her and never standing up for myself.

So question is:

1. Do I fight for the children knowing there will be serious collateral damage including my wife harming herself if the courts in India side with me?
2. Do I forget this and let the children be with her? But then I am ruining 4 lives.
3. I have one relative constantly telling me to do the right thing (no divorce) even if it means seeing the ruin of my children and me. I feel I have to do everything possible to salvage them. If I was at a park and saw someone trying to kidnap my child or have a thief break into my house, I will shoot if I had a gun to protect my child/family. We all know the bible says do not kill, but no pastor has difficulty saying this was the right thing to do in that situation. Why then do we say it is wrong to divorce in a situation where one is doing this to preserve his sanity and that of his children?

How do I go about in this situation? I read the divorce / remarriage questions on your website. I have also researched them extensively and here are the conclusions I have come to. 1. John 10.35: Christ says that the scriptures cannot be altered, which refers to the old testament teachings. 1 Peter 1:10,11. very clear that the spirit of Christ was talking through the old testament prophets. Clearly in Exodus 21.10 God allows a woman who is unfairly treated by her husband to leave as a free woman and get remarried, And then Moses clearly talks about a certificate of divorce and remarriage was acceptable. Also in reading about Christ's teaching, the word in Greek is put away and not divorced. So the only way we can reconcile the teaching of Christ and the prophets (who spoke in the power of the spirit of Christ) is to say that when a woman is put away (not divorced), she is committing adultery if she married another man as she has not been formally divorced from her first husband. In modern times it is like a woman marrying another man, a week after filing for divorce and being separated from her current husband but not yet divorced. Any other interpretation puts this teaching in complete opposition to the old testament. Has the church misunderstood this all these years and substitutes the word divorce in English translations of Matthew 19:9 and Matthew 5: 31,32, when it should read put away? Or am I trying to justify my action?

The bible talks about enduring hardship patiently and God blesses people who do this. Should I then not stand up at all to my abuse? Should I just take this and die prematurely? I cannot even help someone in need or do what is right because my wife objects and threatens me. So if I decide to patiently endure this suffering, what if God tells me I have wasted my life and did not help people put in my path because I was afraid to stand up for myself?

You see how confusing it gets because the bible seems to catch you in every possible way. It sometimes feels like all options condemn me. 

Thanks,
Response #24:
You have certainly been through the ringer, my friend!

I don't have any special wisdom about people I haven't met, but I have to tell you that in my opinion if your estranged wife is really a believer, I would be very surprised. And if she is, she is in very deep spiritual trouble.

It says in 1st Corinthians chapter seven the following:
(15) But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. (16) For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
1st Corinthians7:15-16 NKJV
From what you've shared, it seems to me that this applies to you. God has "called us to peace", so that letting this person leave your life as she clearly seems to desire to do . . . well, I can't give direct advice, but I can say that if it were me, that is what I would do.

And as long as we are on the subject of what I personally would do (certainly not telling YOU what to do), I would do what I could to regain custody of my children, and, if that were realistically impossible at present, I would do what I could to keep the lines of communication open with them, calling them, texting them, writing them, emailing them – and praying, of course, at all times.

Nothing is impossible for the Lord. But we do have to accept that in terms of other people, they make their own decisions. Your wife has certainly made hers. I don't see that changing, even if you continue acting towards her in love as you have done now for many years. As to your children, here is what I read in Proverbs:
Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6 NKJV
In other words, children of that age under that sort of pressure may need a little time to realize what the truth is and to "come around". I have seen many children and young adults "go over fool-hill", as my maternal grandfather used to say, only to come back once they've gotten a dose of reality. So don't give up hope about them, even if legal efforts are not very promising.

I will also be praying for you, and I have added a pray request for you at Ichthys.

Ministries and Christians who promote "no divorce no matter what" have not read the Bible very carefully – and have not bumped into situations such as yours on a personal level. 

Nothing is impossible for the Lord. Be pleased to trust Him. Dedicating yourself to a program of spiritual growth, if you are not already doing so, would be an excellent idea as well.

In Jesus our dear Savior,

Bob L.
Question #25:
Thank you so much Bob; this gives me a lot of clarity in my situation.
Response #25:
It's my pleasure.

I'll say a prayer for you.

In Jesus our dear Savior,

Bob L.
http://ichthys.com/