Question #1:
Totally different subject, but I want to run a few other questions by you while we are still conversing (if you don't mind). Forgive me if I'm taking up too much of your time, but I'm currently studying the sermon on the mount and was confused by a few sections. I searched Ichthys on some of them and found answers but the ones I mention right below I couldn't seem to find. The Matthew verse by verse study you have posted was helpful but (like the study Bible) didn't address every passage. With that said, what is the meaning of Matthew 5:19? How does Matthew 5:31-32 apply to us today? Like, I get the general meaning, but are there other justifiable reasons for divorce other than marital unfaithfulness? If the husband divorced the wife (and not vice versa) why does that not allow her to remarry? If he left her, what could she do about that?
Response #1:
On Matthew 5:19, the first thing to note is that the second half of the verse
printed in all editions of which I am aware, "but whoever does and teaches them,
he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven" (NKJV), is not part of the
original; it was apparently added very early on to "balance" the first part of
the verse. When we read the correct text, we see in v.18 our Lord affirming the
Law, and in v.20 our Lord making it clear that even those dedicated to the Law
had insufficient righteousness to be saved; in between – according to the
correct text – anyone who teaches that any part of the Law (of which "not a jot
or tittle will pass away") – is found to be disqualified as a teacher. The
direct message of this three verse part, therefore, is that (v.18) the Law is
perfect, rightly understood and rightly taught; (v.19) discounting and warping
any part of it (as the scribes and Pharisees regularly did) disqualified them as
teachers of it; (v.20) no one can be righteous through the Law. The underlying
message is that only through Christ – who perfectly followed, fulfilled,
completed (and thus inactivated) the perfect Law – can anyone be righteous; and
that the Law, correctly understood and correctly taught, is all about Him.
On "How does Matthew 5:31-32 apply to us today?", first thing to say is
that there is a ton about this posted to Ichthys (because questions of
sexuality, marriage, divorce and remarriage are some of the most common ones
people want to ask; I'll give you some links below).
The second thing to say is that in this passage (and the companion ones:
Matt.19:9; Mk.10:11-12; Lk.16:18), of course we have to have an eye towards the
time and circumstances. Mark 10:12, for example, puts things directly for the
woman: "And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits
adultery" (NKJV), no doubt because the gospel of Mark was written to a Roman
audience where women had a lot more say about this sort of thing (Roman women of
the early empire being the most "liberated" of those of whom we know in the
ancient world with the possible exception of ancient Sparta), whereas in Judea
the men mostly did the divorcing. Marriage and divorce are legal matters as well
as a spiritual issue, and the "rules" for both differ from time to time and
place to place because marriage is a civil institution set up by God for the
whole human race and thus is dependent upon the laws of the state in question as
well as upon issues of conscience. Believers are expected to follow the "rules"
of the state in which they live as well as to strive to be "in the right" in
spiritual terms as well.
Thirdly, our Lord makes these comments to scribes and Pharisees who were
notoriously divorcing their wives in violation of the ACTUAL, biblical rules
through their false interpretation of them. They did so on whim to replace
unwanted wives with younger models rather than for any true offense on the part
of the women. Given the consequences that might befall a woman thrown out of
house and home in those days, this was doubly despicable. So we should keep in
mind that our Lord's purpose here is to prevent abuse – of women under the Law
being wrongly treated according to an abuse of the Law. That doesn't mean that
Christians are free and clear to marry and divorce at will without any
consideration of this issue; it does mean that it's not as simple as some who
interpret these passages want to suggest. For example, we find in 1st
Corinthians chapter seven that there are legitimate reasons for separation, and
that "if you marry, you have not sinned" (1Cor.7:28).
We know that it is better not to marry but also better to marry than to burn up
with passion and make oneself vulnerable to all sorts of trouble thereby
(1Cor.7:1-9). So I always, at such times, give a synopsis of the Bible rules for
Christians today:
1) If you're single, better to stay single.
2) But if you get married, better to stay married and not get divorced.
3) If you do get divorced, better to stay single thereafter.
4) But if you do get re-married, better to stay married thereafter.
People often want to justify their past actions on this score. That is because
they may feel guilty when they read the passage you ask about (and similar
passages) and also because there is a cottage industry nowadays of "pastors" who
are telling people who have remarried (regardless of fact or circumstances) that
they need to divorce if they've remarried. That is not only "nuts" and in
violation of many biblical commandments but will only lead to disaster.
The time to think about these matters, moreover, is BEFORE getting married.
After getting married, YOU ARE MARRIED. Then its time to stop worrying about how
you got married or why you got married or any possible "issues" involved in
having gotten married and concentrate instead on making your marriage work in a
godly way. That is the gist of all these biblical passages, not to provide any
sort of mandate to change one's status – just the opposite.
Brethren, let each one remain with God in that state in which he was called.
1st Corinthians 7:24 NKJV
Here are some links:
Undeserved Suffering in Marriage: Peter #35
Jephthah's Daughter, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage.
A conversation about divorce and remarriage.
Feelings of Guilt about Remarriage.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #2:
Dear Bob,
As usual I'm so very appreciative for your time and concern for
believers just starting out like me. I read your messages from others
and I realize you must spend a great deal of your personal time helping
people like me from afar. I don't know if you remember but I first
approached you about a year ago by email for help with the divorce
remarriage I'm in. I still can't shake this feeling that something is
wrong. It's a constant feeling of guilt and anxiety and depression. I've
never known these feelings in my entire life prior to learning that my
remarriage was sin. I have taken to heart what you've taught me so
please don't think your time is wasted on me. I have taken all your
advice and have been reading the Bible and your study materials every
day. I'm concerned that this feeling of anxiety and guilt might actually
be the Holy Spirit and by continuing to ignore it, as painful as it it,
I may end up with a hardened heart and actually lose salvation.
On the other hand I sometimes think I'm in an intense battle with the
evil one and this is part of my testing to see how much I can take. I'm
resolved to never forsake our Lord that I love. Neither do I want to
forsake my wife and family that I love. I read scripture about how we
are expected to love our Lord more than family and of course the wheels
start turning in my mind. From your materials I have read so far, I get
the impression that repentance is not about turning from specific sins
but toward God and our Saviour and away from our previous lives of
unbelief. Paul tells us that we should not sin so that grace could
abound more. He even tells the church to expel a sinner living with his
stepmom so that he may die in flesh but his soul may be spared. I've
weeded out any sin or potential cause for sin in my life I can think of
and yet the feeling of doom is still there.
I'm getting a little more than worried. Others I've talked to have told
me that I must be "going to do some important work" if I'm being
attacked this badly. I knew God wanted to work on me for the last
several years even before I was a true believer. So I sold my practice
to make myself available for the Lord. One day on my lunch break for
some reason I decided to start reading the Bible. I was reading John
when it all became real. I could see for the first time in my life. I
dropped all my sinful habits (which were many) and took a really hard
look at my life.
The freedom and joy of being truly reborn was amazing. Immediately after
being born of the Spirit (of which I'm positive was a genuine
experience) I had about 2 months of pure bliss. Then just like you
described in one of your writings, the battle started. After confessing
my sins to God and asking forgiveness I also knew I had to confess sins
to my wife. Some time later she forgave me. She knew how heavy my guilt
was for what I had done. Yet instead of divorcing and hating me she put
me in the shower and washed my feet. She is the reason I opened the
Bible that day Christ came into my life. That started her back toward
Christ. She has been a believer a long time but was away from Him after
her divorce.
I guess after my first wife left me for truly no biblically allowable
reason (we were high school sweethearts who fought a lot and never
should have gotten married in the first place) after a bad argument, and
within a few months she was married to someone else. I was lost and my
view on marriage and purity went down the drain. I did my residency in
Miami and then was placed in Europe to serve my military commitment. I
lived a sinful life. That became the norm for me for the next 10 years
until I met my current wife. I still had purity problems when we married
and I knew it, but I loved her and wanted a family.
Fast forward to early last year and everything was changed by Jesus. As
soon as I opened the door he rocked my world. I was a slave to sin no
more. Oh how I cried and fell in love with Him. Come Tribulation I will
gladly have my head cut off for His name. My faith is unshakable. I
guess I'm so sensitive to sin now because of my past. I now work at a
public clinic with disadvantaged children. I'm also volunteering at the
children's hospital here. All I want is to honor God and produce fruit
worthy of the salvation I was given for the rest of my time here on
earth. I also want to raise my sons to avoid all the mess I got into. We
read children's proverbs book at night before bed.
I'm sorry for this long email. I thought you should know to whole truth.
You and others I trust tell me we are forgiven for our previous divorces
and we need to live out lives to glorify the Lord from here to the end.
I've confessed and done everything I can think to do. I'm even taking a
small group course on how to hear the voice of God. I'm hoping he will
tell me directly what I'm to do. So far I'm not hearing the small still
voice.
Do you have any advice that can help me discern whether the terrible
feelings I have had are indeed the devil and not the Holy Spirit? I tell
myself that God would not want us to split up our family and ruin our
kids lives. I think it was only through the power of the Holy Spirit my
wife forgave me. If God wanted us to split that would have been the
place. Yet I also in know that his ways are not our ways and I can't
rely on my own reasoning.
Again I apologize for taking so much of your time. I really feel you are
the only person I can rely on and trust as a teacher. I have so much
respect for your level of education and dedication to the Lord.
I didn't intend to fill up your inbox but I have to write one more time.
I've been reading and studying and I think I'm finally starting to get
it. I (we) are being prepared for a spiritual battle like no other. It's
finally starting to click! It's taken this 12 month beat down to get to
a point where I know I will be able to keep the faith even to the point
of death.
Thank you and God bless you and your family,
Response #2:
I do remember you – thanks for jogging my memory.
I'm delighted to hear that now you're "finally starting to get it"!
"I tell myself that God would not want us to split up our family and ruin our
kids lives." Amen! How could anyone know anything about our loving and
gracious God and Father and our dear Savior Jesus Christ and think otherwise?
You have to be an unbeliever – or a mean-spirited and legalistic 'believer' to
advocate for divorce when the Bible never ever does so.
Guilt and fear are the devil's weapons, so if that is what you are experiencing,
it's not the Holy Spirit.
"I'm hoping he will tell me directly what I'm to do." In our present age,
God communicates to us via the Word of God and its truth, and exclusively so.
The Spirit uses the truth we expose ourselves to – if we believe it – to guide
us, giving us assurance that the truth is the truth and helping us to see how it
applies to our lives.
So there are no one-shot magic bullets. Spiritual confidence is a function of
spiritual growth, and that requires doing the hard, daily work of consistent
prayer, consistent Bible reading, and, very importantly, consistent accessing of
a good teaching ministry, learning the truth, believing the truth, and applying
the truth to our lives. This can't be done, moreover, by only accessing teaching
which has to do with our particular problem or interest today. It has to be a
comprehensive approach – all truth is important and none of it can be dispensed
with.
So I recommend a program of spiritual growth as the "R/x" for your problem . . .
as I do for everyone else too. Ichthys is one place I am confident you can go to
grow as you need to do. Another great place I always recommend is
Bible Academy (at the link).
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.
Romans 5:8-11 NKJV
You have been justified by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and possess the
righteousness of God through faith in Him. Rejoice always in that salvation –
which by definition means having been saved from the wrath all unbelievers will
face.
In Jesus Christ our loving, faithful Savior,
Bob L.
Question #3:
Hi Dr,
I have a friend and brother in Christ who was incarcerated who is having
difficulties in his marriage, particularly around resentment of being gone for 3
years. What does the Bible say about separation as a possible means of saving a
marriage?
I know the Lord hates divorce and the only biblical reason is due to adultery or
abuse. But what happens if there is no reconciliation or the bitterness can't be
overcome?
Thank you Dr.
In Christ our Lord
Response #3:
Scripture doesn't say anything, as far as I know, about separation as a means of
saving a marriage (e.g., 1Cor.7:1-2). Scripture is not overly concerned with
"saving marriages". In terms of two believers married to each other, the
biblical position is that while marriage is better avoided in the first place,
once it is entered into, both parties have an obligations to each other
(1Cor.7:3ff.): the husband is to love his wife and the wife is to respect her
husband (Eph.5:22-33).
God has called us to peace. Husband and wife who are believers both have
obligations in a marriage to make it work. If it's not working, that is because
one or the other is not "doing their job" – or more often both (relative
dereliction being a matter of degrees).
The main point here is that even believers often don't have a choice in the
matter. If the one party wants to separate or divorce, there's little the other
party can do. I would add to that in the case you mention, if there is
resentment for being gone, I wonder how leaving again is going to help?
I've got a lot of links on divorce and the like at Ichthys. Here's one of the
more recent which leads to others:
Marriage and the Bible XI
I'll say a prayer for your friend.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #4:
[observations and questions about issues in dating and seeking a spouse in today's world]
Response #4:
In my experience and observation, likes and dislikes, matches and
mismatches, all of those sorts of thing don't make the biggest
difference in the end. What matters in marriage is integrity. If a
person has integrity, then he/she will do what he/she can to make the
match work no matter what. But it does take two people who have
integrity and commitment to make any match actually work. Marriage is
very difficult (1Cor.7:28). And, nowadays, finding someone else with the
necessary integrity to make a go of it is extremely rare. In fact, it
has to come from God.
Glad to hear you're finally getting a little time off. Happy 4th!
Keeping you in my prayers.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #5:
Hope you're doing well. How have you been?
I'm aware of all the passages that speak of children in a good light and
all, but does Scripture mandate all married couples to have children? Is
it wrong or sinful for some couples (assuming they are both fertile and
able to) to not have children? Should 1 Timothy 5:14 (I've been meaning
to ask you about this passage for a long time) be taken as a universal
and mandatory command for all able couples of all time to be fruitful
and multiply (even though Paul spoke to a specific audience in that
passage)? Or is this an area of application by which we don't have
enough information to say for certain?
In His grace and power,
Response #5:
Re: "Is it wrong or sinful for some couples to not have children?",
I don't find that anywhere in scripture. God told Adam and Eve
(Gen.1:28) and also Noah and his family (Gen.8:17; 9:1; 9:7) to "Be
fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth". I don't see any overall lack
of commitment to this command since there are somewhere over 8 billion
people on earth at present. I think it was Mark Twain who quipped that
this was "the only commandment of the Almighty which the human race
ever embraced with any particular enthusiasm" (or words to that
effect).
Also, I don't see – if one were to take the view that there is anything
problematic at all with not having children – that there could then be any
defense of any sort of birth control ever for any reason, including the
"rhythm method" which even the R.C.'s endorse. Because if there is
anything sinful at all with refraining from having children in any way,
then it would seem to me that refraining in any way would be equally
wrong – like abstinence ever within marriage (which Paul says is
acceptable for a time in order to have time to pray: 1Cor.7:5) or even
staying single too (especially in the time the Bible was written when
staying single would mean not marrying the person you were arranged to
marry – but Paul says that is godly: 1Cor.7:25-38).
In spite of the political climate we find ourselves in today, my view of
what the Bible teaches is that all matters having to do with procreation
are better left entirely to married couples, without pastors et al.
getting anywhere near suggesting that there are "rules" to abide by in
areas where scripture doesn't explicitly give them. Paul's injunction
you ask about is telling young unmarried widows to marry rather than to
get into trouble – which is a lot like telling unmarried men to marry
for the same reason (1Cor.7:2-3); but in neither case is it an order,
nor is the purpose to produce children. Besides, in the ancient world,
the only sure-fire way not to have children was to refrain from sexual
activity, and that is definitely not appropriate for a married couple
"except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer"
(1Cor.7:5).
Otherwise, it seems to me that only in the very recent past in all of
human history has there ever been any proclivity for people NOT to want
to have children. My mother told me this story: my parents married
relatively late in life (dad was 39, mom ten years younger). Dad broached
the subject that maybe because they were older they should forgo having
children. Mom's response: "In that case there's no point in getting
married!" My brother and I are forever grateful.
Traditionally, having children has been "the point", so not wanting to
have them would be hard for anyone in biblical times to understand in
the first place . . . which is not at all to say it's a sin.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #6:
[omitted]
Response #6:
No worries, my friend. I'm glad for the update.
If I were your parents, I'd be "tickled pink" by your decision to choose
a regular job. As it is, I'm happy to hear this, because I THINK it's a
good decision – but of course it's YOUR decision.
As to your questions about marriage:
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
Matthew 19:10-12 NIV
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1st Corinthians 7:8-9 NIV
Ever since I've been corresponding with you, you have been completely
consistent about the fact that marriage was something you wanted –
something you needed. Applications such as which job and which career to
choose depend upon knowing oneself in spiritual maturity. If you were
certain that like the young men in 1st Corinthians 7 who were of a mind
to "keep their virgins" as such and not marry, sure and certain in your
own mind that this was right for you and definitely possible to carry
through on, then perhaps the more unstructured way of doing those things
would be possible. One would still want to weigh out the pluses and
minuses of the potential headaches and insecurities of that route
against the time commitment in a steady job (and other issues as well),
but it might be worth "doing the math". As it is, someone who is
determined to be married (and/or needs to be) really has to keep "doing
right" by keeping the future spouse in mind in making all such
calculations.
I do remember my email to you and I'm very happy that you remember it
too because it spells out the more important points I would want to make
here. Whatever incremental gain might be had by, e.g., freelancing,
could well be eaten up by the stress and trouble this lifestyle would
cause at home – for a married person. And in any case, I feel it would
be somewhat unfair to future spouse to forgo a job that would be a solid
basis for homemaking when that is a known part of the plan.
Mind you, all jobs have problems, all legitimate work is godly, and if
freelancing were all you could get, that would be fine – and you and
your future wife would bump along until something better came up.
Something with health insurance, for example. I have a former seminary
colleague in California – where they are supposed to have some hugely
generous health insurance support – who is trying to find a job with
benefits because the health insurance is costing him $1,000 a month even
so. Maternity without health insurance is not even to be contemplated.
That's where we are in this country at the moment, like it or not.
Also, I have the sense that the military, unlike a private company, is
not going to abuse you. You will put in your hours and only your hours –
without particular stress – and will be rewarded for doing a good job. I
could certainly be wrong about that, but if so it would contradict all
my past life-experience. It might be boring. It might be geographically
challenged. The military, even adjunct in your case, is not for
everyone. It might not pay as much as some freelancing gigs. But it's
nice to be able to know that you and the Mrs. can go to the grocery
store every week – and to the Dr. whenever necessary.
Things are likely to change during the Tribulation (that might be an
understatement). But that will be true everywhere and for everyone in
every situation. Would it be better not to marry and have children in
light of what's coming? That may be so, but it's the rare individual who
might be in a position to construct his/her life around that. I've
always advised folks to do what the Lord leads them to do day by day
without worrying about the eschatological clock – with the sole
important exception that doubling down on spiritual growth, progress and
production is what I find to be the correct application for recognizing
"where we are"– not stocking up on ammunition or canned goods – or
avoiding "life" generally.
God is in control. Your intentions are godly and so is your approach. He
is answering your prayers in all this – regardless of how things turn
out. So keep on praying – and I will continue to do so on your behalf.
Your friend in Jesus Christ,
Bob L.
Question #7:
[omitted]
Response #7:
First, let me assure you, my friend, that I would not think any less of
you at all if you decided to take this job or anything else. We're
always working off of imperfect information and mine is far less than
yours – and you're the only one who really knows you. Perhaps the other
opportunity would be just what you need. I've given you some things to
think about as per your request, but you have to do what you feel the
Lord is calling you to do. And just because it does "feel good to you"
does not mean it's wrong; and vice versa.
One of the reasons why I'm not the best person to weigh all this is that
I'm not personally cut out either for engineering or nine-to-five. I've
tried them both on (I went to a technical high school with the idea of
taking an engineering degree – West Point, I was hoping), and neither
one fit well at all. So I would be lost in that position – but also in
the other one. Freelancing probably wouldn't work for me either as I
function best with a consistent routine. So it's a blessing the Lord
landed me where He did. He is using all this to help you figure yourself
out too, I'm pretty sure.
One thing you say is brilliant in this regard: "I'm already failing to
make excellent spiritual use of the free time I already have, much less
loads more of it". Amen! The number of Christians who have managed to
use lots of free time well is minimal in my experience. Most of us need
some measure of "enforced humility" as Col. Thieme used to call it; that
is to say, a routine wherein we are more or less forced to show up and
do what we are supposed to do or suffer the consequences. With less free
time, we tend to fill in the really important things around those edges.
I did have to discipline myself in my schooling after the USMC and also
as a professor - - as in both things (as you know from college) there is
great opportunity to ruin oneself if one is not sufficiently good at
self-starting "enough and soon enough". If I won the lottery (OK, I
don't play, so if someone did win and dumped the money on my doorstep),
I think it would at the very least take me some serious time and effort
to get to using significantly more free time and energy for this
ministry . . . let alone most of the new time. So this is a good thing
to keep in mind and I'm glad you're being realistic about it. When I was
in seminary, there was a trend in many large businesses to hire
"chaplains" (akin today to hiring "diversity officers"). Problem was
that these chaplains were pretty much allowed to make up their own jobs
at that time (things have changed now), and it ruined a large number of
otherwise good men who were not good at disciplining themselves to make
the most of a free-form job.
1) 100% is what we all want. Tying ourselves up in knots because we are
not immediately anywhere close to 100% may end up in us doing much less
than if we were realistic in the first place (in fact it's almost
certain from what I've observed). How about this: we try to do a good
job today and we try to do better day by day. And if we fail, we get up
tomorrow and try to do a good job tomorrow and try to do better. We
don't coddle ourselves. We also don't pretend we are someone we are not.
In between is a space that's good and a basis from which we can improve,
God helping us and us doing our part.
2) "What if we never get married?" If a bus runs you over
tomorrow (heaven forbid!), that 'if' would be fulfilled. But what if you
pass on solid job prospects and things are very dicey in freelancing,
and six months later you meet the love of your life? It would probably
be hard to get back to the military job, e.g., at that point. Here's
another thought. The Lord gives us one day at a time. If we are making
use of today to learn the truth, walk closer to the Lord, and help
others do likewise, then to that extent the day was a success. In terms
of longer range planning, if we are committing our way to the Lord and
doing things with Him in mind first and foremost, then things will turn
out. And if we have, for no ill-intent, not figured it out perfectly, He
can change anything around as need be. If I know I'll be ineffective
without a wife in the long run, then taking steps to make that more
plausible in terms of support for future ministry strikes me as a
reasonable thing to do (Phil.3:15).
3) This all sounds reasonable. The only thing is that "wife" is generic;
the person you marry will be a person, and no two persons are the same.
If you find a woman who truly and genuinely supports your ministry with
as much zeal as you do (think Priscilla and Aquilla), then you
definitely have found a "good thing" (Prov.18:22). If you find a wife
who supports your ministry at all, you should be grateful. So in
actuality this will all depend on how you and your wife thrash things
out and divide things up.
4) God has given you wisdom and intelligence and no doubt means for you
to use them. As mentioned above, just because, e.g., the other job may
seem the best combination between enjoyment and security, doesn't mean
it's wrong; just because the military-adjunct job may seem the most
secure and the best basis for marriage and a solid support for ministry,
doesn't mean it's wrong; just because freelancing may seem potentially
the most remunerative, the most flexible for ministry potential, and the
most courageous in terms of faith, doesn't mean it's wrong – or right
(in all cases).
I think what you are facing here is what the French call "an
embarrassment of riches". As I shared with you, I never had to go
through this because this job I have is the only one that filled the
bill when it was my time to absolutely need a tenure track slot. It
hasn't been perfect but it has been a blessing. It has been more than
sufficient to do what the Lord wanted me to do. I'm sure that this will
be the case with whatever you choose.
I will pray for the Lord to help you with this decision – and to give
you peace of mind and complete confidence in the decision you make.
Your friend in Jesus Christ,
Bob L.
Question #8:
[omitted]
Response #8:
No problem, my friend. Allow me to push back a little on the assumptions here,
however.
First off, everyone is different. It's not the case that "freelancing is better"
or "a military-adjunct job is better" – even if we all knew exactly ahead of
time what each of the two entails and how they would play out (and we are only
speculating about that as well). It's a case of "this one is better FOR ME". So
it really is all about your likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, plans
and expectations when it comes to the abstract details about these various jobs
as we are imagining them. You are "your own dog", and that's a good thing.
Second, what your other friends do is not computer engineering freelancing (and
is significantly different from it), and what I do is not like the
military-adjunct job (and is significantly different from it – as well as from
what I did in the USMC). Those differences are great enough to knock out any
idea of a binary decision. And while I understand the third job getting tossed,
I'm quite surprised that you are so quick to remove the other job from
consideration. Isn't this the highest paying job? And the one with some
cross-over? More relaxed than the military-adjunct one, I'm sure, and more
stable than freelancing, with some believers on the work site.
Third, the times and your role. So in my reading of scripture, there's not a lot
of time left. But I am living my life one day at a time and making decisions
which make sense under any possible circumstances when it comes to the mundane
things of life – and that is what I've always advised everyone else to do as
well. Freelancing might seem better in terms of getting one's oar in ministry
earlier and more often if the time is short; the military-adjunct may seem
better in terms of having a stable routine on which to build on as much as one
can in terms of ministry that is regular; the other place might be a little of
both. But really the key to all that is "what is your ministry?" What do you
envision doing and how? If you're not sure at present, that is very
understandable. But if such is the case, how will lots of free time and
flexibility in freelancing be of benefit January next? Of course getting into a
comfortable routine with the military-adjunct job could easily slip into doing
not much other than reading Ichthys and doing some Greek and Hebrew on your own
(not that there's anything wrong with that), and even this might be challenging
in 9-5 once you start dating someone seriously. On the other hand, the other gig
might make it more likely that you meet a woman who is actually a Christian, and
it also might suggest or even open up ministry opportunities (even if only by
negative example). My caveats on that option have to do with false assumptions
about what most Laodicean evangelical Christians value and how they run things.
But if you went in with your eyes open, that would be a different story.
Fourth, marriage. As a single man I believe you can stay on your parents' health
insurance until you're 25. Married people need health insurance. And, really,
they need good health insurance. But I would not frame that as the key issue.
The key issue is marrying the right person. Or, better put, refraining from
marrying the wrong person. Even the right person, however, will need to be
adjusted to. That is fair, because she will have to adjust to you. We often
don't see things that way, but that is of course how it actually is. How that
plays into ministry is a real question. But I will tell you that compatibility
on "religion" (genuinely supporting your ministry) is something that never ever
comes in after the fact. Rather, it is all too common for someone who is crazy
about you to pretend that they are crazy about your desire to minister / your
incipient ministry. It's not even fair to denigrate that. It's just how people
are built. But the truth divides people, even people who are crazy about each
other – sooner or later. So if I were you, I would not make this decision all
about marriage. My advice is to pick the course that seems best, and leave it to
the Lord to provide you at the proper time with a woman who is OK with what you
have chosen. We're talking about a pretty exceptional girl here, however. And
you have to be realistic about that as well. So that's no doubt the real choice.
To paraphrase you, "I think this is more than enough for this time", but
do feel free to write me back about any of this or anything I didn't directly
address before.
In Jesus our dear Savior,
Bob L.
Question #9:
Good morning brother Robert,
It's been a few years since I last wrote and I would love to have the
link for your current online Bible study. Also, I am back in the abyss
of worry and I know that only fervent daily studying of the scripture
will get me to where I need to be mentally and physically. There is one
more verse that looms in my mind that I cannot seem to shake.
So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she
shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free
from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to
another man.
Romans 7:2
I know what we have discussed before, but this seems to say I will be
considered an adulteress while I am married? Please advise when you have
time, thank you.
Response #9:
It's good to hear from you – but I am sorry to hear that you haven't
been able to let this go. The devil is good about using guilt against
believers, especially regarding things long in the past, long ago
forgiven by the Lord and best long forgotten by us as well.
As to Romans 7:12, the first thing to note about the passage is that it
is not about marriage at all – it's about the Law and the believer's
relationship to it. Paul is demonstrating that while if we were still
under the Law it would be a problem not to follow it, as those who
belong to Christ we have died to the Law through the death of Christ who
paid for all the offenses under the Law. Therefore we are not only free
to "be with another", namely Christ, it is in fact a scandal to go back
to the "first husband" who for us at least should be considered dead as
we are dead to him (i.e., the Law).
The second thing to note is that the word "married" does not occur in
this verse. It actually says that if a woman "is/comes to be" with
another man while she is married, she is an adulteress by definition.
That is indeed the definition. The hypothetical woman in this case would
be engaging in relations with a man other than her husband while still
married to that first husband. Paul puts things the way he does not to
make any sort of new point about marriage but to show that of necessity
we had to die to the Law in order to be with Christ. And since that is
the case, worrying about following the Law is nonsense (and is in fact a
real problem for believers saved by grace; see now
the Hebrews series at
the link).
So this passage is not about divorce. There is no divorce here and no
possible way of drawing any conclusions about divorce or remarriage
after divorce from this passage – which is not about marriage either in
fact but about Christians and their new relationship with Christ apart
from the Law.
Adultery, as this passage does show (otherwise Paul's point would not be
made), consists of a married person having relations with another other
than their wedded spouse while still married to that spouse. The word
does not apply, not here, not elsewhere in the Bible, not anywhere in
Greek literature I am aware of, to people who are no longer legally
married. A man and a woman legally married to each other are NOT
committing adultery when they have relations with their new spouse, regardless of the "back
story" – that is hyper-legalistic insanity.
As I always point out, it's really impossible to move on from the past
without moving forward spiritually. So I'm happy to hear you ask for the
link to the weekly postings (here it is: they are put up sometime
Saturday so as to be available anytime on Sunday). These weekly postings
are more for reinforcement of principles learned elsewhere at Ichthys,
however, and for encouragement (rather than for systematic edification).
My hope, and the purpose of this ministry, is for believers to be taking
in spiritual nourishment daily (the weeklies are more of a weekend treat
than a means of growth in and of themselves).
I strongly recommend starting with the
Peter series (at the link),
then moving on to the Basics series
(link).
Keeping you in my prayers,
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #10:
Thank you again for getting back with me so quickly, I know you must get a ton
of correspondence and probably never sleep in taking care to show love to God's
children which I question if I fall in that category. I am confused about this
however because I re-read the chapter again and I see the "law" analogy, but He
seems to be using marriage as the example and in fact does use the word
"marriage"...this is the KJV of course...Please advise once more if I have
misinterpreted this as i still consider myself a babe in the truest sense of the
word...
Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law
hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2 For the woman which hath an
husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the
husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while
her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an
adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she
is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. 4 Wherefore, my
brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye
should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we
should bring forth fruit unto God.
Response #10:
There is a Greek word for "marry", but that word doesn't occur anywhere in this
passage. Translating with the word "married" here is an interpretation which,
for sure in verse three, is dead wrong. The key point of that verse is that the
"adulteress" is aptly named that because she "is with" another man while still
married to her husband – that is to say in direct contrast to the wrong
translations she is NOT "married" to the other man, and that is the whole point
and the whole problem; she is "with him" even though he is not her husband while
she is still married to that first husband (exemplifying the Law in this
passage). That is what adultery is. There is no divorce in this context
anywhere. The event that changes the situation is death, not divorce. We
believers are free to "marry" Christ because we "died" to our first husband, the
Law. Paul's argument here in fact doesn't work at all if a person were to
postulate that divorce instead of death and marriage instead of "adultery while
married" were being used as the examples in this context. It is unfortunate that
the translators of the KJV (and other versions) have gotten this one so wrong,
because it has caused a lot of confusion.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #11:
Thanks again Robert for your follow up. You're saying it could be that a legal
divorce did not take place and she went and married another? I do see other
translations that say only "with or joined", but these definitely say "married
or marries", which is why I'm so confused. Thank you again for your time and
prayers. :-)
New Living Translation
So while her husband is alive, she would be committing adultery if she married
another man.
New King James Version
So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called
an adulteress;
King James Bible
So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall
be called an adulteress
Christian Standard Bible
So then, if she is married to another man while her husband is living, she will
be called an adulteress
Response #11:
Re: "You're saying it could be that a legal divorce did not take place and
she went and married another?" That's right. In spite of these
misleading translations, the word "married" is NOT present in the text; the text
says "is/becomes/gets with" someone else, meaning adultery while married not
marriage to this person other than her [first] husband.
The situation Paul envisions in his hypothetical is of a woman committing
adultery against her still-married-to husband: because IF we were still under
the Law, that would be the situation for us believers in abandoning the Law to
live instead in freedom and grace with Jesus Christ. But because the old husband
is dead and we are dead to him, we are NOT guilty of spiritual adultery for
living in the freedom and grace of belonging to Jesus Christ, walking in love
and NOT in the Law. This passage is all about us being freed from the Law. It is
not in any way about divorce because there is no divorce even mentioned in the
passage – and it's really not about marriage either but about our freedom from
the Law.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #12:
Hi Robert,
I saw this on your page about Matthew and I got anxiety from it. I want
to live my life in peace and move on but when I see versus like
This I get really bad anxiety.
Please help me understand it: [screen shot from Marriage and the Bible]
Response #12:
I'm not sure what the issue is here. This screen shot is out of context, but the
point clearly is that there are legitimate grounds for divorce.
As to peace, I deeply desire this for you as well!
Please remember that even if a person wrongly divorced, there is forgiveness on
confession. And even if a person wrongly married, there is forgiveness on
confession. There may be "natural consequences" for such actions – indeed, there
are "consequences" of getting married regardless (cf. 1Cor.7:28: "[all] those
who marry will face many troubles in this life"). BUT that is a far cry from
"hell".
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that believers "go to hell" for doing something
wrong; we are disciplined for the wrongs we commit – just like David was, e.g. –
but we can still love the Lord and be blessed by Him even when we are being
disciplined (Heb.12:1ff.). All believers are saved; only unbelievers go to hell
(Jn.3:18).
When it comes to things LONG past, it is biblical to let them go, especially since
they've long ago been confessed (with any discipline also long in the past).
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:13b-14 NIV
You are a believer, so you have nothing to worry about.
In Jesus our Lord,
Bob L.
Question #13:
Thank you Bob.
What I don’t understand is some of the people that believe what that man told me
says they pray about it and that’s why they tell people like me they are right
cause of praying about it and god answers them. I’m doing better then I was I
just don’t know where they get that from.
Response #13:
As to "why?" and "where/who do they get that from?", I think this verse says it all:
"You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it."
John 8:44 NKJV
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #14:
I’m so sorry for contacting you so much over this. I know the Bible has Greek. Does anywhere win the Bible even in Greek say that we go to hell for being in our second marriage?
Response #14:
No it does not – not even close.
The Bible DOES say that if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, then you
are saved and going to heaven (Jn.3:18).
It's all about faith in Christ (Eph.2:8-9).
No one has lived a perfect life. When it comes to the past, we confess .
. . and move on (1Jn.1:9).
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #15:
Have you heard of lavista church of Christ ?
Response #15:
You mentioned them before, I think.
"Churches of Christ" (the ones derived from the "restoration" movement)
have a strong tendency to legalism. For instance, they also teach
water-baptism necessary for salvation. That is also a lie. If a person
believes they are saved by being dunked in water they are not saved at
all. They engage in many other false practices and have many other false
doctrines, so I wouldn't listen to anything they say. They are the
proverbial "wolves in sheep's clothing", putting on a facade of holiness
– like a whitewashed tomb where inside only decay is to be found.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #16:
Hi Robert,
I really want to Move on with my life and im one of those people that need to
hear it. It’s hard communicating through emails. I’m not good at studying the
Bible. Some of the people that say we are not suppose to be in a second marriage
use big words and it makes my brain think they are smart so they must know
something. This is why I need to hear it from somebody that can explain it to me
in a way I can understand. Do you have any suggesting on who I would be able to
talk to other then through email. Even on the phone would be better for me.
Thank you.
Response #16:
You seem plenty smart to me! You are just allowing yourself to be
"guilt-tripped" into a state of anxiety for no good reason.
The Bible was written for everyone. If some supposed teaching is
complicated to the point of being non-understandable, it's no doubt
false doctrine.
Also we have the Holy Spirit who makes the truth clear to us . . . if we
are willing to accept the truth as true.
"Some of the people that say we are not supposed to be in a second
marriage". If a person is married, they are married, and the Bible
is very clear that we are supposed to stay married. So it doesn't matter
what number the marriage is or how it happened or whether or not there
were prior complications. That is all "water under the bridge".
My reading of scripture: Are you married? Stay married (cf. 1Cor.7:17;
7:27). Does the Bible ever tell anyone to get a divorce? No (Mal.2:16).
Pretty simple. I can't make it simpler.
No one can change the past. As Christians, we are to make the best of
the present (Phil.3:13). Period.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #17:
This will be my last question. Why does that church say they are teaching the truth of the Bible?
Response #17:
Well, if they said, "this is just our opinion", no one would listen to
them.
That is why ALL cults claim to teach the Bible. The Mormons make that
claim. So do the RCs. So does every other cult which claims to be
Christian.
Of course in fact they do NOT teach the Bible. Nearly every major
position this church takes (as mentioned before), is decidedly not
biblical.
Cults count on people not actually reading their Bibles.
The Bible is filled with the grace and mercy and forgiveness of God. But
these people want to throw fire and brimstone and hell at anyone who
does not do exactly what they say to do. You don't have to read very far
in the Bible to figure out that this is wrong.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #18:
Is there anyway I can set up at time to call you ? I think this would really help me. I have got to do something before I lose my mind and my family.
Response #18:
I don't do pastoral counseling
(I'm not professionally trained in it and with a full time job and this
ministry, not to mention a personal life, I have no time for it).
All I can do is tell you the truth – and I have already done that many
times. There's nothing magic in the sound of my voice (far from it: 2Cor.10:10).
It's up to you to believe the truth and to apply it. No one can do that for you.
The truth is that since you are married the Bible tells you to stay married.
There are no Bible verses telling married Christians to get divorced, regardless
of their past history.
In Jesus our dear Savior,
Bob L.
Question #19:
I understand. Thanks for all of your help. It’s still bothers me that I
have no idea where they get that idea about divorce and believe it so
Much they post about it on the internet. Are there many churches or
people that believe like they do? That lavista church of Christ is on
the internet on there church web site telling people to get a divorce. I
don’t understand why they believe it so much. I just want peace from it
and to move on with my life with my husband and my son and make the best
of this life I have. I’m tired of living in fear mr Luginbill. Now it
goes though my head who’s right and who’s wrong: I never have heard of
any of what that man said that until a few years ago and he claim to
teach the truth which make it more scarier. What do you suggest I do? I
have got to get a grip on this before if completely destroys my life.
Response #19:
I can only share my experience and observations about cult-like groups.
It is a benefit to any cult to get their adherents to dump their
families. If someone is stupid enough to do so, the cult becomes their new
family. More to the point, the cult is now the ONLY family they have.
Since they have no place else left to go, they are now completely
enslaved and will do whatever the cult wants . . . like give it all
their money, do whatever work it wants done, and evangelize for it so as
to get more money, more free labor and more slaves.
Here is one important link on this topic:
Peter #39: False Teachers,
False Teaching, and False Organizations
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #20:
Hi Robert,
Sorry for the long wait on the response. Thank you for all your help I’m still
struggling but I’m getting better. I had a friend of mine suggesting a book to
read that all about that subject of marriage and divorce it was a good book. I
was looking for other books that would help me and I came across this other book
where the man believed I would go to hell for being in my second marriage and it
hit me again. I just don’t understand why they write books about it. My brain
will say well they wrote a book about it so it must me true and the anxiety’s
starts all over. Are there many people out there that believe the whole divorce
and remarriage is a sin? I hope it dies out and there aren’t many people who
believe that. It had destroyed my life for so long and I would hate for anyone
else to go through the tournament I have been thorough the past few years.
People can write books about anything right? That doesn’t make them right?
Thank you for all your advice and time
Response #20:
"People can write books about anything right?" Clearly, they do so. They
don't have to know anything to do so. They don't have to be right to do so. They
just have to be motivated to do so. Hate is a powerful motivator. Hitler wrote a
book. Marx wrote a book. Lot's of people write books. Doesn't mean that what
they write in them is correct.
Why do it? Mostly for money. Also for fame. Sometimes they're just motivated by
the devil to do so. Just another way to disturb the peace of believers in Jesus
Christ. I think that's what's going on in this case. And we can expect this
trend to intensify as we grow ever closer to the Tribulation:
The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.
1st Timothy 4:1-2 NIV
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #21:
Robert,
Why can’t I get over what was said to me [about the need to divorce my second
husband or else go to hell]? I’ll be fine for a few weeks and sometimes months
but then it hits me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere and I’ll start thinking
but what is f he was right and the anxiety takes over and i have a hard time
functioning and can’t even have a day of peace cause it plays in my head over
and over again. I just don’t any to move on with my life and not think that I’m
going to hell every second of the day. Why do these people say that ? How can
they be so sure ? It’s killing me. Is there a verse in the Bible that tells them
that what they are saying is true. All I can imagine all day is me going to hell
and suffering and I can’t get any joy out of my life because of that . I really
don’t know where to turn how to fix it all I do is wish that I was never told
that and wishing I could erase it from my memory. I’m scared full of anxiety and
slowing ruining my life.
Response #21:
We've been here before. When you ask, "do they have a verse?", of course
they do not. Otherwise, believe you me, they would have shouted that verse at
you in the loudest possible voice. You know these people are lying. The bigger
the liar, the surer he seems, because that is the only way he can convince
people since what he is saying is obviously untrue.
My advice to you is to stop "imagining" and start reading the Bible regularly.
You can't fight something (a lie) with nothing – you need the truth. I would
suggest that you focus on spiritual growth. That is how we "reprogram" our
hearts and our thinking. Our God is a God of peace, but we need to draw near to
Him to experience that peace, and once again the only way to do that is
spiritual growth.
I pray for you about this every day, my friend, but with all due respect it's
like an MD who prescribes the perfect meds but the patient won't take them (or
at least won't take them daily so as to do some good).
I suggest starting with the Peter series
and the Basics series (at the links).
Question #22:
Robert,
I want to get better. I want to stop the crippling anxiety every time I
open my eyes. Believe me all I want is to get better but for some reason
I can’t shake it. I don’t understand why they tell people that and ruin
lives and they are so sure to tell
People that if the don’t listen they will go to hell. I have been
dealing with this on and off for 3 years now. I’m scared of God I’m
scared of hell I’m scared of the Bible. I don’t understand any of it so
it makes it worse. All I want to do is live my life happily with my
husband and my son. I cry all the time I have full blown panic attacks.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
Response #22:
I do hear you. Trust me when I say that you can't "fight something with
nothing". One has to learn to trust the Lord and not be led around instead by
lies and emotions. But it's not a matter of just saying it or wishing it. It
takes persistent, daily spiritual growth – akin to physical therapy after a bad
accident: a person doesn't completely heal up without putting in the work.
So, again, I am praying for you, but I can't do the Bible study for you . . .
nor the Bible reading nor, most particularly, the believing what you read and
are taught. Only truth believed is usable by the Holy Spirit in a spiritual
battle such as this is.
Our God is a God of peace, and that is very clear in all Bible reading. So don't
be afraid. Have faith in Him. He is your Rock, your anchor, your help and hope
and support.
It's time to step out in faith.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #23:
Hi Bob,
I’m going to be starting therapy with a Christian counselor to help me get over
this hump. It’s been rough and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I have one last
question: does anybody ever tell these people that they are wrong ? Do they
never say anything ?
Thanks for all your help
Response #23:
People like this have their ears stopped up (Zech.7:11), so there is no point
telling them they are wrong because they won't listen.
But they will get an ear-full at the judgment seat of Christ . . . if per chance
they are believers. If not – and I suspect they are not – they will get their
comeuppance at the last judgment . . . just before they are pitched into the
lake of fire.
Keeping you in my prayers.
In Jesus,
Bob L.
Question #24:
Bob,
I am originally from India and had an arranged marriage 18 years ago. I
knew my wife very briefly before the wedding. About a week before she
told me that she had a history of self harm and I wanted to cancel the
wedding; but she threatened me that something I told her in private will
be told to my parents and being a soft natured person I succumbed. In a
nutshell, she is exceptional with keeping the home, physically taking
care of the children, attending to all my needs at home. I always have a
meal waiting for me when I come home, my clothes are washed ironed and
put away etc.
However, since day 1 there has been an extremely controlling situation
and threats. She has a history of sexual abuse as a child. 1 month after
the wedding she claimed that my father, a good Christian man tried to
molest her, when in reality he had not even been alone with her. He said
some innocent comments with my mother present and this was completely
taken way out of context. I was forbidden to talk to my parents, my
phone was thrown down, she threatened to tear up all my medical school
certificates. Once she tried to get out of a moving car and when I
restrained her by putting my hand forcibly on her thigh, threatened to
call the police saying I hit her.
However, there will be periods of good times in between. I understood
her childhood trauma and as distressing as it was, did my best to put up
with her. After my father passed away my mother came to live with us and
my wife expected to be given our share of the property/money even when
my mother was alive and needed this to support herself. When this did
not happen, my mother was verbally and emotionally abused to the point
that after 6 months she had to leave home. But here is how it twists; my
wife said " I will not eat and get sick; they will take me to the
hospital and I will tell them that my husband and mother in law are
abusing me. They will arrest you and there will be an article in the
newspaper that a doctor was arrested for ill treating his wife"
I have tried to get her to accept medical help but she refuses. 2 years
ago, my mother had terminal cancer and I wanted to leave the country
exactly for 4 days to visit her. She and the children went on at me as
though I was doing something wrong. 2 days before I left she went to the
police station and filed a report that I was sexually touching my own
children, in an attempt to stop me from going. CPS interviewed the
children and immediately I was cleared. I was told by attorneys not to
go back home till the issue was resolved and so I stayed out for about 6
weeks. She apologized for my trouble but never admitted that she was
wrong, as usual. But here is what she tells the children " dad left
because he did not care about us"
She also believes that she is God's special person on earth and cannot
be wrong. There is bible on tape playing all the time at home and Jesus
talk to a degree its obnoxious given her behavior. She listens to fringe
preachers and tells the children I have demons inside me. My 11 year old
was accusing me and telling me she sees demons inside me and my mother
but not in anyone else. She told me God gave her a vision, I died in a
car accident and went to hell. My wife and mother in law call this girl
a prophetess and she goes on talking this kind of stuff against me. When
my wife listens to preachers with demonic doctrines, I tell the children
to go to their room and read the bible. My wife tells them I have satan
inside me which is why I am not letting them listen to this. She tells
me and children I should change my job as a surgeon because I am
touching women patients and that is inappropriate. I am a classical
pianist and she says demons are coming into the house when I play Bach
and Beethoven. I can go on and on but you get an idea. I even have an e
mail she accidentally sent me where she is corresponding with the
preacher and he is asking her to bind the demons inside me.
It finally came to a point a few months ago where the children would
turn their face when they walk into the house after a walk and I say
good morning. They would lock the doors and prevent me from coming to
their room; till they were 10 years old (I have quadruplets, three girls
and a boy all 13.5 years old now), I was their best friend. They adored
me and I do not know if it was jealousy or her mental state, but she
completely alienated them against me.
In late July she said she wanted to go to India because her mother was
diagnosed with cancer; I had just before this reached out to the
marriage counselor at church and spoke to him and his wife about my
situation. They told me not to send the children with her to India as
they felt something was amiss. However, I felt bad and figured it will
not be good if the children do not get to see their grandmother. Since
going to India, they have completely cut off all communication with me,
unenrolled the children from school and switched of their phones. My in
laws will not reply either. They are rich and arrogant and not once tell
their daughter what she is doing is wrong. My mother in law also
believes she is a prophetess and hears from God. My children were home
schooled most of the time against my advice and are always around the
mother. They were finally going to start high school and now they are
back to online school.
My church counselor suggested filing for divorce to protect myself as my
wife is vindictive and can ruin me in every way possible if I go against
her. They said once temporary orders are in place, they can talk to her
and get her to understand her behavior, to repent and change. If not to
go ahead with the divorce so I can free myself and the children from
this situation and be able to function. Besides, with her gone with the
children to India, there is no way to get them back. So after she left,
I filed for divorce, filed a case of parental abduction and have
temporary orders for full custody in Texas. However, after my wife got
these orders, she has filed a case in India accusing me of pretty much
everything except murder. She has rekindled the sexual allegations
against me; the children have written to their school principal of how I
was sexually abusing them for years and they had to get away from me.
She has made such a monster out of me and got custody in India. So here
I am being accused of being a bisexual pedophile. You have no idea about
me or if me story is true; but I know when I close my eyes for good, God
cannot accuse me of any of these charges. Now I have to fight these
allegations there in India and no one knows how this will go. I feel
inside me that if my children get counseling for the next 4 years before
they go to college, and I am able to tell them the truth about my wife's
behavior, they will realize how they have been trapped into a cult like
situation. I could never tell them this while still married as
everything I tell them will be told to their mother.
Here are my problems:
1. I grew up with a fundamental Christian doctrine that divorce was
always a sin; I still feel guilty inside me although I know mine is an
exceptional circumstance. I have come to the point where I have so much
guilt I did not do the right thing for my parents as I was so controlled
by my wife and threatened if I chose to do the right thing. And both my
parents who were some of the most sincere Christians one can ever meet
are dead now.
2. I do not see any other way to redeem my children except get them out
from my wife's control through a divorce. I want my children to have the
love of their mother, but she cannot emotionally damage them anymore. I
cannot see how this can be accomplished without trying to get full
custody.
3. In spite of what she has alleged against me, I am still willing to
work on my marriage if she will accept that she has serious mental
health issues. People around me say I am absolutely crazy to do this and
I am putting myself in danger.
4. I walk around the house, think of all the good times too and feel
sorry for her. But everyone around who knows my story tell me I have
enabled her by putting up with her threats/feeling sorry for her and
never standing up for myself.
So question is:
1. Do I fight for the children knowing there will be serious collateral
damage including my wife harming herself if the courts in India side
with me?
2. Do I forget this and let the children be with her? But then I am
ruining 4 lives.
3. I have one relative constantly telling me to do the right thing (no
divorce) even if it means seeing the ruin of my children and me. I feel
I have to do everything possible to salvage them. If I was at a park and
saw someone trying to kidnap my child or have a thief break into my
house, I will shoot if I had a gun to protect my child/family. We all
know the bible says do not kill, but no pastor has difficulty saying
this was the right thing to do in that situation. Why then do we say it
is wrong to divorce in a situation where one is doing this to preserve
his sanity and that of his children?
How do I go about in this situation? I read the divorce / remarriage
questions on your website. I have also researched them extensively and
here are the conclusions I have come to. 1. John 10.35: Christ says that
the scriptures cannot be altered, which refers to the old testament
teachings. 1 Peter 1:10,11. very clear that the spirit of Christ was
talking through the old testament prophets. Clearly in Exodus 21.10 God
allows a woman who is unfairly treated by her husband to leave as a free
woman and get remarried, And then Moses clearly talks about a
certificate of divorce and remarriage was acceptable. Also in reading
about Christ's teaching, the word in Greek is put away and not divorced.
So the only way we can reconcile the teaching of Christ and the prophets
(who spoke in the power of the spirit of Christ) is to say that when a
woman is put away (not divorced), she is committing adultery if she
married another man as she has not been formally divorced from her first
husband. In modern times it is like a woman marrying another man, a week
after filing for divorce and being separated from her current husband
but not yet divorced. Any other interpretation puts this teaching in
complete opposition to the old testament. Has the church misunderstood
this all these years and substitutes the word divorce in English
translations of Matthew 19:9 and Matthew 5: 31,32, when it should read
put away? Or am I trying to justify my action?
The bible talks about enduring hardship patiently and God blesses people
who do this. Should I then not stand up at all to my abuse? Should I
just take this and die prematurely? I cannot even help someone in need
or do what is right because my wife objects and threatens me. So if I
decide to patiently endure this suffering, what if God tells me I have
wasted my life and did not help people put in my path because I was
afraid to stand up for myself?
You see how confusing it gets because the bible seems to catch you in
every possible way. It sometimes feels like all options condemn me.
Thanks,
Response #24:
You have certainly been through the ringer, my friend!
I don't have any special wisdom about people I haven't met, but I have
to tell you that in my opinion if your estranged wife is really a
believer, I would be very surprised. And if she is, she is in very deep
spiritual trouble.
It says in 1st Corinthians chapter seven the following:
(15) But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. (16) For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
1st Corinthians7:15-16 NKJV
From what you've shared, it seems to me that this applies to you. God
has "called us to peace", so that letting this person leave your life as
she clearly seems to desire to do . . . well, I can't give direct
advice, but I can say that if it were me, that is what I would do.
And as long as we are on the subject of what I personally would do
(certainly not telling YOU what to do), I would do what I could to
regain custody of my children, and, if that were realistically
impossible at present, I would do what I could to keep the lines of
communication open with them, calling them, texting them, writing them,
emailing them – and praying, of course, at all times.
Nothing is impossible for the Lord. But we do have to accept that in
terms of other people, they make their own decisions. Your wife has
certainly made hers. I don't see that changing, even if you continue
acting towards her in love as you have done now for many years. As to
your children, here is what I read in Proverbs:
Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6 NKJV
In other words, children of that age under that sort of pressure may
need a little time to realize what the truth is and to "come around". I
have seen many children and young adults "go over fool-hill", as my
maternal grandfather used to say, only to come back once they've gotten
a dose of reality. So don't give up hope about them, even if legal
efforts are not very promising.
I will also be praying for you, and I have added a prayer request for you
at Ichthys.
Ministries and Christians who promote "no divorce no matter what" have
not read the Bible very carefully – and have not bumped into situations
such as yours on a personal level.
Nothing is impossible for the Lord. Be pleased to trust Him. Dedicating
yourself to a program of spiritual growth, if you are not already doing
so, would be an excellent idea as well.
In Jesus our dear Savior,
Bob L.
Question #25:
Thank you so much Bob; this gives me a lot of clarity in my situation.
Response #25:
It's my pleasure.
I'll say a prayer for you.
In Jesus our dear Savior,
Bob L.